Life in general
Friday, August 31, 2007
Well Liz had her hour long hearing for unemployment. Her former employee filibustered for the full hour. Their witnesses had no knowledge of anything and no paperwork to support their allegations. They spent the whole hour saying "I don't remember". Once the hour was up, the judge postponed the rest of the hearing to next month. Once again the big companies get their way, and the small person has to wait. The judge should have seen what this was and stopped it.
Well here is praying that today goes well. Liz has her unemployment hearing before a judge. This will be done by phone. Her past employer has done everything to avoid having to pay unemployment. Now we will see if they will lie under oath.
Later this afternoon Liz will have surgery. She had a cyst on her ovary and we hope that is all it is. They will try to drain it, and if that is not possible they will remove her ovary.
Louie was here yesterday tuning the piano he put in. It is wonderful having a grand piano in my living room.
Young Don has moved into his apartment in Holland and seems to love it. His girlfriend lives a few houses away and is going to the seminary.
The summer is almost over and the kids are going back to school. Lindsey is going to Muskegon HIgh School and Liz is back at Baker College.
Later this afternoon Liz will have surgery. She had a cyst on her ovary and we hope that is all it is. They will try to drain it, and if that is not possible they will remove her ovary.
Louie was here yesterday tuning the piano he put in. It is wonderful having a grand piano in my living room.
Young Don has moved into his apartment in Holland and seems to love it. His girlfriend lives a few houses away and is going to the seminary.
The summer is almost over and the kids are going back to school. Lindsey is going to Muskegon HIgh School and Liz is back at Baker College.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A Child's Guide To United States Foreign Policy...Awesome!
For laughs only...is a fwd i received...have not can not, or do not
wish to check the authenticity of these statements...
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass
destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to
use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we
went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend
themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they
had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those
weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade
another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in
sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate
gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba
are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business
with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being
capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become
capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a
legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a
country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the
United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan
is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an
illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into
buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off
for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off
people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were
in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis
are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We
call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support
our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the
French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what
we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked
the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war
is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we
attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells
him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
__._,_._
For laughs only...is a fwd i received...have not can not, or do not
wish to check the authenticity of these statements...
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass
destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to
use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we
went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend
themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they
had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those
weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade
another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in
sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate
gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba
are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business
with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being
capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become
capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a
legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a
country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the
United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan
is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an
illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into
buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off
for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off
people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were
in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis
are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We
call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support
our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the
French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what
we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked
the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war
is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we
attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells
him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
__._,_._
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Michael Vick, star football player, role model, and millionaire has admitted to dogfighting and gambling on dogfighting. He will serve his time, he has apologized, and also has been suspended by the NFL. He will likely serve a year in prison.
Through all this, Jessie Jackson, NAACP, and other black organization have failed to apologize to the nation for this black mans racial actions. This action was the same as two black men fighting to their death for the white mans pleasure and gambling. Instead of two Mandingo's fighting it out, he had two dogs. I thought this sport, no matter how it is camouflaged, was banned with slavery. If Jessie and his warriors truly care about the minorities, now is the right time to stand up. This was a racially insensitive act by a black man. In some people's minds, it was just two dogs. Years ago it was just two "niggers". We still haven't learned.
Through all this, Jessie Jackson, NAACP, and other black organization have failed to apologize to the nation for this black mans racial actions. This action was the same as two black men fighting to their death for the white mans pleasure and gambling. Instead of two Mandingo's fighting it out, he had two dogs. I thought this sport, no matter how it is camouflaged, was banned with slavery. If Jessie and his warriors truly care about the minorities, now is the right time to stand up. This was a racially insensitive act by a black man. In some people's minds, it was just two dogs. Years ago it was just two "niggers". We still haven't learned.
Friday, August 17, 2007
ON THIS DAY...
...IN 1977, Dr. George Nichopoulos begged, "Breathe, Elvis, come on, breathe for me," as he tried to revive Elvis Presley in the ambulance en route to Baptist Memorial Hospital in Memphis. Presley, 42 years old, was pronounced dead on arrival. Elvis's obesity and enlarged colon, combined with a congenitally weak heart-not a drug overdose-were likely the cause of his death.
It has long been rumored that he died on the toilet, straining at a stool. But we won't know for sure until 2027, when Elvis's autopsy records will be in the public domain.
...IN 1977, Dr. George Nichopoulos begged, "Breathe, Elvis, come on, breathe for me," as he tried to revive Elvis Presley in the ambulance en route to Baptist Memorial Hospital in Memphis. Presley, 42 years old, was pronounced dead on arrival. Elvis's obesity and enlarged colon, combined with a congenitally weak heart-not a drug overdose-were likely the cause of his death.
It has long been rumored that he died on the toilet, straining at a stool. But we won't know for sure until 2027, when Elvis's autopsy records will be in the public domain.
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish-all within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.< BR>
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
T hanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $500 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM tomorrow afternoon (your time), and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back side, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....Oh, and one last tid-bit...
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish-all within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.< BR>
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
T hanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $500 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM tomorrow afternoon (your time), and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back side, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....Oh, and one last tid-bit...
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
America is over 200 years old. We claim to be the smartest country in the world. In fact, we are the youngest and the one of the least educated. We try to tell the world how to live, we try to feed the world, we try to adopt the children of other countries, complain when people cross our borders,and call any country that does not agree with us "evil". We criticize other countries for human rights violations,while we pamper the rich and famous and give bread crumbs to our poor. Isn't it about time we look at ourselves. The things that this country was founded on, and made it a good country are gone. In God we trust is gone, our open arms to the poor and needy are gone. Equality is a thing of the past. Rich and famous rule. Never again will you see an Abraham Linclon become president. Coruption in the Government is rampant, hiding behind plitical correctness and the fact that the media is owned by rich people who use their money to tell us what we need to believe in. We are being like lambs to the slaughter. Just remember, "It is easier for a camel to fit through an eye of a needle then it is for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven".
Monday, August 13, 2007
This past Sunday, My wife and I went to a Japanese worship service. This service was held on the Hope College campus in the seminary chapel. The service was 95 percent spoken in Japanese and no one was translating. They made the song easier with the japanese words broken down so that us ignorant people could sing the song in the Japanese language.Although we could not understand most of what was said, I got more out of the service then many english spoken services. I am still trying to figure out what that means about some of our worship services.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Unity Fest in Muskegon Michigan. A chance for Christians to join together and enjoy christian music. The local newspaper ran a front page article on how it is a great time for the youth to share their faith through music. Through a gift from a local pastor, my daughter and her boyfriend were able to attend this night of spiritual bliss. They were excited, and felt that this would be a night they would remember. They came home an hour later and were spiritually crushed. My daughters boyfriend wore a Tye dye shirt, and according to many youths, this is a sign of being gay. They were called faggots,had trash thrown at them and told that God hate faggots. This was continually done during the concert until they left, to the applause of many. Not only were they verbally harassed, but non of the other "Christians" came to their defense. I guess they were to busy being adorned by theHoly Spirit, or they believe that God hates "Fags"
I believe that this is not a belief of all Christians youths, but I believe that this is Christianity gone amuck. We have bent over so far backwards to attract the youth, we are ignoring the basic of Christianity. The christian youth have taken the opposite side of political correctness. Christian enthusiasm replaces christian maturity. According to some christian youths, if you don't like modern christian music, you are not a christian.
The problem is simple. The christian rock groups that are being our children's teachers, are in it for the money. An old rock song has the words, "teach your children well". We need to teach our children, not money hungry, attention seeking rock groups. We need to teach our children, not Hillary's village. We need to teach our children, not our liberal educators. The lines have been drawn in the sand and it is not pretty. Each christian faith have drawn their own lines which makes nondenominational churches very appealing.
I believe that this is not a belief of all Christians youths, but I believe that this is Christianity gone amuck. We have bent over so far backwards to attract the youth, we are ignoring the basic of Christianity. The christian youth have taken the opposite side of political correctness. Christian enthusiasm replaces christian maturity. According to some christian youths, if you don't like modern christian music, you are not a christian.
The problem is simple. The christian rock groups that are being our children's teachers, are in it for the money. An old rock song has the words, "teach your children well". We need to teach our children, not money hungry, attention seeking rock groups. We need to teach our children, not Hillary's village. We need to teach our children, not our liberal educators. The lines have been drawn in the sand and it is not pretty. Each christian faith have drawn their own lines which makes nondenominational churches very appealing.
A Blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at t he mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ........
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Subject: Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11 My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. But if you eat all your carrots you'll have curly hair."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me about WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11 My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. But if you eat all your carrots you'll have curly hair."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me about WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
Monday, August 06, 2007
Subject: Fw: So You Think You Know Everything?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.A snail can sleep for three years.Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.Almonds are a member of the peach family.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feet.Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10."Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamiteRubber bands last longer when refrigerated."Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' 'radar' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.There are more chickens than people in the world.There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself...............There , now you know everything!
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.A snail can sleep for three years.Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.Almonds are a member of the peach family.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feet.Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10."Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamiteRubber bands last longer when refrigerated."Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' 'radar' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.There are more chickens than people in the world.There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself...............There , now you know everything!
Friday, August 03, 2007
Subject: deputy vs lawyer
Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!Deputy says," License and registration, please."Lawyer says, "What for?"Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and r egistration, please."Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!Deputy says," License and registration, please."Lawyer says, "What for?"Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and r egistration, please."Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Thursday, August 02, 2007
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever cancelled Jerry Springer.I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, and neither have you! So, shut up already.I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA .I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them..I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.And what is going on with gas prices... again?I believe "illegal" is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.We want our country back!We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!I would rather live my life as if there is aGod, and die to find out there isn't, thanlive my life as if there isn't, and die tofind out there is.?????????????????????????????????????????????? AMEN
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America 's Cup , France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon .
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