Bad day at Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


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M y tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire..

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


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H eard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



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L ooking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"



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C ongratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



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H ow could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



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I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.



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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.



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A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



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C ongratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



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H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )



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H appy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



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W hen we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.



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W e have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?



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I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



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C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



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Y our friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))




So your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day
Look on the bright side
It's really good pay

Family update

As the weather changes in Michigan so does our family situation. Lindsey, who has moved out, has dropped out of Muskegon High School. She is presently trying to get into mtec so that she can take accelerated classes. Presently she is living by herself, but as soon as she get a car, her friend and her baby will move in with her and share the rent.

S far as we know, we are Cody's legal guardians. He has moved in with us (Lindseys old bedroom). Since child welfare is soo screwed up, the judge just ordered Cody to stay with us, pending a review by child services.

Akiko is leaving the seminary. She wants to per sue her masters at the University of Michigan. Donald and her are working out the kinks.

Liz is still in school and watching Pa at nights.

Cat and Sean are planning out their wedding.

I'm doing nothing.

GREAT AMERICAN COMEBACKS


When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was
asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were
just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent
many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever
asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

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At a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American.

During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room
saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has
sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.
What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have
three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power
to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity
to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several
thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they
carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and
injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?'

Once again, dead silence.

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A U.S Navy Admiral was attending a n aval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a
large group of officers that included personnel from most of those
countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only
English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so
you wouldn't have to speak German'

You could have heard a pin drop


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AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on
a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in
his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-
Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to."


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This is too true to be very funny The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean? A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528. B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787. C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012. Washington , D.C HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken?? Tax his land, Tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule. Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirts, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, Tax his beers, If he cries, Tax his tears. Tax his bills, Tax his gas, Tax his notes, Tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, Tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, We won't relax, We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!! Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL License Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax, Luxury Tax, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax (Truckers ), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax, School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax, Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax, Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax, Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax, Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax, Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax. STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!' And I still have to "press 1" for English. I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times What the heck happened?????

SOME "UBI's"
(USELESS BITS OF INFORMAION)

VERY INTERESTING STUFF


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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-Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself