I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving athim. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't placewhere he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which shereplies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelorparty that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddieswatching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Kinda boggles the mind doesn't it !!!!!



>>
>Beauty of Math!
>
>1 x 8 + 1 = 9
>12 x 8 + 2 = 98
>123 x 8 + 3 = 987
>1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
>12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
>123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
>1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
>12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
>123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
>
>1 x 9 + 2 = 11
>12 x 9 + 3 = 111
>123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
>1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
>12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
>123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
>1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
>12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
>123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
>
>9 x 9 + 7 = 88
>98 x 9 + 6 = 888
>987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
>9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
>98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
>987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
>9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
>98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
>
>Brilliant, isn't it?
>
& gt;And look at this symmetry:
>
>1 x 1 = 1
>11 x 11 = 121
>111 x 111 = 12321
>1111 x 1111 = 1234321
>11111 x 11111 = 123454321
>111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
>1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
>11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
>111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
>
>
>
>Now, take a look at this...
>
>
>101%
>
>
> >From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
>
>
>
>What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
>
>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
>
>We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER
>100%.
>
>How about ACHIEVING 101%?
>
>
>
>What equals 100% in life?
>
>
>
>
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might h elp answer these
>questions:
>
>
>
>If:
>
>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>Is represented as:
>
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>
>
>If:
>
>
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
>
>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
>
>And:
>
>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>
>But:
>
>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>
>
>THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
>
>
>
>L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
>
>12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
>
>
>
>Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
>
>While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close , and Attitude will
>get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
>
>It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just
>the way I did.
>
>
>
>Have a nice day & God bless!!!
>
>
>

The following was written by Ben Stein

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when
people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees
Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel
discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas
trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or
getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of
like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters
celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me
at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key
intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want
a crche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few
hundred yards away.


I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I
don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being
Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and
tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea
where the concept came from that America is an explicitly
atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I
don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come
from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't
allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess
that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a
lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came
from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a
laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to
be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you
thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show
and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something
like this happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an
extremely profound and insightful response.
She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just
as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out
of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out
of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He
has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His
blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us
alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray
O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently)
complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we
said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our
children when they misbehave because their little
personalities would be warped and we might damage their
self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an
expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.


Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why
it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates,
and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can
figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE
REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then
wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we
believe what the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail
and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending
messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about
sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene
articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public
discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not sure
what they believe, or what they will think of you for
sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people
think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just
discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard
this thought process, don't sit back and complain about
what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR SWEETHEART WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well,...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!

It is Saturday morning, it is cool, rainy, and I have to put up storm windows. Yes, I have to take down the screen and put up the storms. Summer has just flown by once again and soon that four letter word will be upon us. Yes, I'm talking about SNOW. The blizzards, the sleet, the ice, and the dirty snow. Before we get the joy of shoveling this white blessing, we get to rake leaves. I keep praying that mine will all blow away. No such luck. When I bought this house, my kids all said that they would take care of the yard. No one home but Liz and I. I will finish putting up the storm, and raking the leave and then get the lecture on how a heart patient isn't suppose to do this. If my wife reads this, she will get mad at me for bringing up this topic and I will remind her that she is still on restrictions from her surgery. My wife and all my kids are allergic to the outdoors which means that I am the only one left to do the yard work. Let it be known, that I enjoy the outdoor work, and am well aware of when I should stop and let the old ticker have a rest. Never the less, here I go.

Damn Straight... this is how is should be done! This was sent to me
____________________________________________________________________
>
> Have to love this guy. Maricopa Joe is not a Politician he is a mover &
> shaker.
>
> SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN
>
> Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
> animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
> over, and the County Supervisors said okay. The animal shelters are now
> all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays.
> Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has
> prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give
> great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally
> taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and
> had them place in dog shows. The best part? His budget for the entire
> department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from
> a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on
> all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we
> got him. Cost us $78.
>
>
> The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
> would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
> his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
> prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. I have long
> wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs
> the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated
> to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of
> their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by
> hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and
> fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners
> work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the
> Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the
> Prison.
>
>
> Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote. Now he's in trouble
> with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural,
> that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call
> and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement
> wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained
> specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and
> bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind
> of a "Git-R Dun" kind of Sheriff.
>
>
> Update on Joe Arpaio
>
> TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO
>
> HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF
>
> AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
> THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
> Sheriff Joe Arpaio
> (In Arizona)
> Who created the
> "Tent City Jail":
> He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
> them.
>
> He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their
> weights Cut off all but "G" movies.
>
> He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and
> city projects.
>
> Then He Started
> Chain Gangs For Women
> So He Wouldn't Get
> Sued For
> Discrimination.
>
> He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court
> Order
> That Required Cable TV For Jails
> So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And
> The Weather Channel.
>
> When asked why the weather channel
> He Replied,
> So They Will Know
> How Hot It's Gonna Be
> While They Are Working
> ON My Chain Gangs.
>
> He Cut Off Coffee
> Since It Has
> Zero Nutritional Value.
>
> When the inmates complained, he told them, "This Isn't The
> Ritz/Carlton.....If You Don't Like It,
> Don't Come Back."
>
> He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into
> the jails.
>
> When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
> replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the
> inmates were in his jails in the first place.
>
> More On The Arizona Sheriff:
>
> With Temperatures Being Even Hotter
>
> Than Usual In Phoenix
>
> (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record),
>
> The Associated Press Reports:
>
> About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment
>
> At The
>
> Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their
> Government-Issued
>
> Pink Boxer Shorts.
>
> On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on
> their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached
>
> 138 Degrees
>
> Inside The Week Before.
>
> Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their
> Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.
>
> "It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,"
>
> Said James Zanzot,
>
> An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year.
>
> "It's Inhumane."
>
> Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
> started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
> one bit sympathetic.
>
> He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 Degrees In
> Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full
> Battle Gear, But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Damned
> Mouths!"
>
> Way To Go, Sheriff!
>
> Maybe if all prisons were like this one
>
> there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders.
>
> Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until
> it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so
> they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers
> can't afford to have for themselves.
>
> If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it.
>
> Sheriff Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.
>
>
>
>

It is 7:30 am on Sunday morning and I'm waiting for my newspaper to arrive. I have to leave in a half hour to open up Westwood for morning worship. Yesterday, a bunch of the members joined together to clean the inside and outside of the church. We do this twice a year and do major projects that I don't have the time to do. (Painting, edging, storing stuff, and throwing away stuff that has been stored to long etc...) Last night I spent 3 hours cleaning up after the people who came in to clean. Seems redundant doesn't it, but these people all see the big picture, and don't realize that I have to re- vacuum everything, and re clean bathrooms. What they don't realize is that the church is looking to cut the janitors position because of lack of funds. This will mean that volunteers will be needed to clean the church. If they don't cut the janitors position, there is the secretaries job, in which they will need volunteers and once a gain that job should be safe. The next cut would be the organist/choir directors job. Many feel that this can be substituted by cds. Good luck on this one. Another choice would be making the pastors job a part time position. The RCA would not allow this to happen, which in that case the church should not pay its 10 grand a year for membership. Lets see which of those choices the RCA would like. The bottom line is, if Lizs janitorial position is cut, this will be the third hit from the church financially. Liz had kids hope, and janitorial and I has choir director. On top of this, Liz lost her regular job at Wesco, and they continue to fight unemployment. We still have my social security, but who knows what politician will try to take that away. Thank God that Liz has less then a year to go in school before she graduates and gets a professional job. I, meanwhile, have volunteered to coach the Muskegon Technical Academy Boys Varsity Basketball team for free. We are starting up a new program, and I have to coach, set up scheduling, try to find uniforms, and establish this program. Well it's 7:55 and I have to get going. See you later.

Sometimes I wonder If God gave me the common sense to come out of the rain. I was asked, and I agreed to coach high school basketball at Muskegon TEchnical Academy. This is strictly volunteer. At my age when I am just getting the kids out of the house, I take on a job that doesn't pay, and involved teenage boys. I know have two occupations that don't pay.
Hopefully, this week, we will get the result of Liz's unemployment. This should be in our favor and with that money we can get the Stratus fixed, and pay off some debts. She has almost nine months of back pay coming.
It hard to believe that summer is over, and I have to start putting up the storm windows. We have even had a fire in the fireplace.
For those of you that were at the LLC last night, I thought Brian did a fantastic job. I wish more could have heard him.
To all of you out there, God bless and be good.

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandw ich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine .. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!



Life is tough .
It's tougher if you're stupid

Did you ever have those times when everything goes wrong. This past month has been one of those times. It started with Liz having two surgeries, I had one to remove a growth. The dryer broke, and we need a new one. This one was almost as old as me.
Yesterday, in the pouring rain, the transmission on our only car blew up. Fortunately with the help of Louis and Earlaine, we were able to get Liz and Lindsey back and forth from school, car towed into the mechanic, and the purchase of a second vehicle. Today I went a licenced it, and now I have my first pickup truck. A $500.00 beauty. Louie and I worked on it last night, and now hopefully it will last a while. Its not real pretty, but she gets the job done. The mechanics are looking for a new transmission,or used, for the 2001 Stratus. This will definitely crimp the check book. I could bitch a moan about it all, but there are far more good sides to this story. The car broke down just a few blocks from home. Earlaine just happened to come by, and Louie helped out in the best possible way. Without Louie and Earlaines help, yesterday would have been alot worse. God was looking out for us through some very special friends.