WOW What a year. Goodbye and good riddens to 2007
Do you remember the cartoon character of the the new years baby and and the old man on his way out. The old man was the baby at the beginning of the year, and is now old and worn out. That is the way I feel about 2007.
THINGS LOST IN 2007
1- I lost my father in February
2- Liz lost her job in May.
3- Liz lost her unemployment comp until November.
4- Liz lost her mind from the abuse at her work.
5- Lost a transmission
6- Lost a pastor
THINGS FOUND IN 2007
1-Liz found her mind.
2-we found a home.
3- we gained Cat and Sean
4-We lost Lindsey.( she moved out on her own path)
5- We gained Akiko as a soon to be daughter in law.
6- We gained a truck.
7- Found a new transmission
8- Found closer friendships
To quote , "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
That life! May God bless you all in 2008
Life in general
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV lane ? & lt; /B>
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your REAR END?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV lane ? & lt; /B>
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your REAR END?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Monday, December 17, 2007
Subject: How we suffered!!!!!
This is sure to bring about some memories.
..
Our Childhood in Black n White
Our Childhood in Black and White
(Under age 40? You just won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set.
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and
Spread Mayo on the same cutting board with
The same knife and no bleach,
But we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in
Wax paper in a brown paper bag,
Not in ice-pack coolers,
But I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone
Swimming in the lake instead
Of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
No beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up
A phone in a jail cell,
And a pager was the
School PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .. And
Risked permanent injury with a pair
Of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
Instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
With air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but
They must have happened because
They tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option,
Even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school,
We all said prayers and sang the national anthem,
And staying in detention after school
Caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to
Accomplish something before
I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were
Without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or
270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
That bee sting?
I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on
Piles of gravel left on vacant
Construction sites, and when we got hurt,
Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle
Of Mercurochrome (kids liked it
Better because it didn't sting like iodine did)
And then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
Followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
And then Mom calls the attorney to sue
The contractor for leaving a horribly vicious
Pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
Because if we did,
We got our butt spanked there and
Then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door
Coming over and doing his tricks
On the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she
Could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and
Swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off,
Not a single person I knew
Had ever been told that
They were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy
And anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by
So many societal ills
That we didn't even notice that
The entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA,
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T,
SO SORRY!
FOR WHAT YOU MISSED...
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
This is sure to bring about some memories.
..
Our Childhood in Black n White
Our Childhood in Black and White
(Under age 40? You just won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set.
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and
Spread Mayo on the same cutting board with
The same knife and no bleach,
But we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in
Wax paper in a brown paper bag,
Not in ice-pack coolers,
But I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone
Swimming in the lake instead
Of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
No beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up
A phone in a jail cell,
And a pager was the
School PA system.
We all took gym, not PE .. And
Risked permanent injury with a pair
Of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
Instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
With air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but
They must have happened because
They tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option,
Even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school,
We all said prayers and sang the national anthem,
And staying in detention after school
Caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to
Accomplish something before
I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were
Without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or
270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
That bee sting?
I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on
Piles of gravel left on vacant
Construction sites, and when we got hurt,
Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle
Of Mercurochrome (kids liked it
Better because it didn't sting like iodine did)
And then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
Followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
And then Mom calls the attorney to sue
The contractor for leaving a horribly vicious
Pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
Because if we did,
We got our butt spanked there and
Then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door
Coming over and doing his tricks
On the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she
Could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and
Swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off,
Not a single person I knew
Had ever been told that
They were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy
And anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by
So many societal ills
That we didn't even notice that
The entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA,
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T,
SO SORRY!
FOR WHAT YOU MISSED...
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Eight days until Christmas. This will be our first Christmas in our new home. The house is decorated with lights and Christmas Trees. Yes, that is plural. One tree in the office and one tree in the living room. The mantle over the fireplace has a Nativity scene that Liz made years ago. Also hanging from the mantle are the Christmas stockings. So far there is snow on the ground, and we have a fire place for those warm holiday feelings in front of a fire. My youngest child just turned 18 and my oldest child is getting married. My daughter and her boyfriend/possible fiancee is living with us and we are not crowded. As I look back on the year, we are truly blessed. We have a home, family and great friends. As a author once said, "It was best of times, it was the worst of times". I call that "BALANCE".
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch too much TV, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too s eldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember: Spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember: Say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember: To give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart, and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember: To say, "I love you " to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.Remember:? To hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there.Give time to love, giv e time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.If you don't send this to at least eight people, who cares???????????????????? George Carlin
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements,
makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay about $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the
Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However...
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years.....
... he¢ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.
Game over. Nerd wins.
makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay about $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the
Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However...
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years.....
... he¢ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.
Game over. Nerd wins.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007: (Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Monday, December 03, 2007
ADVICE FROM AN OLD
TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN
Your fences need to be
horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.
Keep skunks
and bankers
and lawyers
at a distance.
Life is simpler
when you plow
around the stump.
A bumble bee
is considerably
faster than
a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak
into your ears
are whispered...
not yelled.
Meanness
don't jes'
happen
overnight.
Forgive your enemies.
It messes up
their heads.
Do not corner something
that you know is
meaner than you.
It don't take
a very big person
to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay
a cruel,
or unkind word.
Every path has
a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs,
expect to get dirty.
The best sermons
are lived,
not preached.
Most of the stuff
people worry about
ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks
by their relatives.
Remember that silence
is sometimes
the best answer.
Live a good,
honorable life.
Then when you get older
and think back,
you'll enjoy it
a second time.
Don't interfere
with somethin'
that ain't botherin'
you none.
Timing has
a lot to do with
the outcome
of a rain dance.
If you find yourself
in a hole,
the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get,
and sometimes
you get got.
The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever
have to deal with,
watches you from
the mirror
every mornin'.
Always drink
upstream
from the herd.
Good judgment
comes from
experience,
and a lotta that
comes from
bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat
outta the bag
is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin'
you're a person
of some influence,
try orderin'
somebody else's
dog around.
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest
up to God.
TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN
Your fences need to be
horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.
Keep skunks
and bankers
and lawyers
at a distance.
Life is simpler
when you plow
around the stump.
A bumble bee
is considerably
faster than
a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak
into your ears
are whispered...
not yelled.
Meanness
don't jes'
happen
overnight.
Forgive your enemies.
It messes up
their heads.
Do not corner something
that you know is
meaner than you.
It don't take
a very big person
to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay
a cruel,
or unkind word.
Every path has
a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs,
expect to get dirty.
The best sermons
are lived,
not preached.
Most of the stuff
people worry about
ain't never gonna
happen anyway.
Don't judge folks
by their relatives.
Remember that silence
is sometimes
the best answer.
Live a good,
honorable life.
Then when you get older
and think back,
you'll enjoy it
a second time.
Don't interfere
with somethin'
that ain't botherin'
you none.
Timing has
a lot to do with
the outcome
of a rain dance.
If you find yourself
in a hole,
the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get,
and sometimes
you get got.
The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever
have to deal with,
watches you from
the mirror
every mornin'.
Always drink
upstream
from the herd.
Good judgment
comes from
experience,
and a lotta that
comes from
bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat
outta the bag
is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin'
you're a person
of some influence,
try orderin'
somebody else's
dog around.
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest
up to God.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done .....Your turn!
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done .....Your turn!
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Subject: FW: Wake UP, America!
New Rules For 2008
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S . Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rules For 2008
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S . Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
Greed is alive and well in sports. Once again the middle class and lower class , financially speaking, is paying the bill for the the upper class. If you enjoy Big Ten sports, you know have to pay more to get the Big Ten Network. If you enjoy the Pro Football, you can now pay more for a special NFL Network. The ticket prices are already to high for pro and college sport events. Gone are the days when you put up your rabbit ears to receive the sporting event. You now have to pay for cable, and then pay more for special stations. The rich get their tickets comped because their companies spend money on advertising. Someday people will stand up and say enough is enough.
One example on how the people spoke up was the Muskegon Air Fair. Everything went downhill when people were forbidden to take their food into the event. Instead you had to buy overpriced food. People stopped coming and soon the event was closed.
Gone to a movie lately? For the price of a ticket and the overcharge of popcorn and treats, you could have fed a family of 50.
Gone to church lately? The collection plate is voluntary, and you you get treated to some great music and interesting speakers. You get to converse, get a free cup of coffee and enjoy yourself.
One example on how the people spoke up was the Muskegon Air Fair. Everything went downhill when people were forbidden to take their food into the event. Instead you had to buy overpriced food. People stopped coming and soon the event was closed.
Gone to a movie lately? For the price of a ticket and the overcharge of popcorn and treats, you could have fed a family of 50.
Gone to church lately? The collection plate is voluntary, and you you get treated to some great music and interesting speakers. You get to converse, get a free cup of coffee and enjoy yourself.
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