Lost tribe of Westwood

For all of you who have received these emails................
>
>
> I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
> past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of
> recovery.
>
>
>
> I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or
> have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
> bacteria on the lemon peel.
>
> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
> last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
> has happened on it since it was last washed.
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
> the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose
> (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
> Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
> imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
>
> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
> of a public bathroom.
>
> I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in
> the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
> envelope that needs sealing.
> ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> reason.
>
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
> the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOLare sending me for
> participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
> water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
> car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me
> for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
> Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
> their recipe.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
> it bites my butt.
>
> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
> the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
> companies!
>
> I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
> recluse and my hand will fall off.
>
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
> tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
> causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
> actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .
>
> Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
> that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
> their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
>