S

So much to do I just can't think of where to start. It is 27 days until christmas and I havn't even started my christmas shopping. I just realized I need money for christmas shopping. I just sat down and tried to figure out how I can save money for christmas shopping. Here is my list

1- Don't pay the rent. This would create a problem since I would have no place to store my christmas gift as I would have no place.

2- Pay the rent and don't pay the car payment. I wouldn't be able to go anywhere without a car which would include christmas shopping.

3- Don't pay the gas and electric. It gets dark pretty early and I wouldn't be able to see the gifts that I bought. I would end up wearing all the christmas gifts to keep warm

4- Instead of buying gifts, draw pictures for everyone. That worked real well when I was young.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own .
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Rosie ODonnel is such an idiot. She claims that Kelli Ripa was homophobic because Kelli did not like her co-host putting his hand in her face. Her co-host has not come out of the closet and Rosie is calling him gay. Rosie, If you only had a brain.

The actor who costared on Sienfeld use racial slurs during his comedy routine. He lambassted a colored man because he was being heckled. Although the tyrade was in poor taste, the audience laughed for a while until they realized it was not part of the act. The Colored man used white racial words back towards the stage. There is more than enough blame to go around. The only one who came out ahead was the people who made an illegal video tape.

Why is it that our hollywood best are trying to be politcal experts.

THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES


For all of us who are married, were married,

wish you were married, or wish you weren't

married, this is something to smile about the

next time you open a box of chocolates:



Sally was driving home from one of her business

trips in Northern Arizona When she saw an elderly

Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped

the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would

like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into

the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain

to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at

everything she saw, studying every little detail,

until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to

Sally.



"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally

looked down at the white bag and said, "It's

a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another

moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet

wisdom of an elder, she said:



"Good trade."

Now that I am out of bed, I will share a few things. My son is coming home today. He tried his hand at door to door sales with a company out of Baltimore. They moved from location to location starting in Baltimore and ending in Daytona Beach Florida. This was not his forte. I truthfully can't say whos forte it is, but in short, he is coming home today. This week he needs to find work.

I am now carrying an event monitor. Since I have had two stroke, the doctors have put this thing on me. When I have another episode, I put this on my chest and it reads my vitals. I then tranfer the information by phone, and then someone tells me if I can kiss my sweet ass goodbye. I have to wear this for a month.

>> Who says nice guys finish last...
>>
>> Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
>> function.
>>
>>
>> He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
>> couple
>> of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
>>
>> And, next to them, a single red rose!
>>
>> Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
>> spotlessly
>> clean. So is the rest of the house.
>>
>> He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
>> back
>> at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
>>
>> "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
>> - Love you!!"
>>
>> He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
>> the
>> morning newspaper.
>>
>> His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened
>> last
>> night?"
>>
>> "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.
>>
>> You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye
>> when you ran into the door."
>>
>> "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose
>> and
>> breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
>>
>> His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when
>> she
>> tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, BITCH, I'm
>> married!!!".
>>
>> Broken table - $200
>>
>> Hot breakfast - $5
>>
>> Red Rose bud - $3
>>
>> Two aspirins - $0.25
>>
>> Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

> that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to

> take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more

> important to me.

> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

> busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

> I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

> I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a

> toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as

> well sweep the side walk."

> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and

> the other is a husband.

There is nothing wrong with me? Stop being a baby. Its all in your head. I got the report from my neurologist. It confirms that I have had two strokes. The strokes are not caused by anything in my head. He confirmed that it is caused by a cardiac event. I am now being sent back to the cardiologist with his finding. My heart has failed at times to supply enough preasure. Consiquently lack of blood flow to the brain has caused these stroke events. Now it is back to the cardiologist to figure out why this is happening. I sometimes wonder if I am confused by the strokes, or the doctors.

Prayer

Be carefull of what you pray for. In politics, the dems have gained a big step up. What they do with it is what I pray for. Republican rule has been catastrophic. Not only have the Reps done little positive, the dems have made sure that they undermind the majority party at all crossroads. Now the dems have the majority and we get to see how the Rep. work from the weaker side. We prayed for change, and we got it.

I hope we are not like the cat above, and get eaten by a shark. He is praying for fish.

Republicans are wondering what happened. Let see. War, scandal, greed, with the rich getting richer, and the poor getting poorer. Big business rules while the working class suffer.

The Democrats came more toward the center while the Republicans went farther right. Here in Michigan, the abuse of power by the Republicans led to their demise in the state house. While Michiganians overturned affirmative action, they cut money toward education. Now that people who are not gualified for a job, cannot go back to school because the money is not there, and cant hunt doves.

My observation is that there was a lot of coin flipping. Head we win, tails we lose. Only time will tell which side the coin landed on.

Here is a strange tale. Sometime in 1931, Nikola Tesla the famed scientist and inventor, brought his nephew and 12 tubes to Buffalo, NY. Tesla inserted the tubes into the dashboard of a modified Pierce Arrow. The nephew then drove the car around the city, at speeds of up to 90 MPH. After the experiment, Tesla removed the tubes, parked the car in a barn outside of Buffalo and left. What became of the car is not known. Was this truly an electric car? Or was it something else entirely? Tesla claimed that the car was powered "from the aether", meaning out of forces surrounding us. He claimed that this force could be harnessed for cars, boats, and households.

A friend of mine continues to impress me and everyone else with his fantasy nurse. Everytime I try to invision my fantasy nurse, this is what pops up.




I keep trying but failing. Finally I came up with this. Maybe she could be a nurse

Thank God this is election week. Ive had more people wanting my attention. The republicans, democrats, and other celler dwellers. They really want my vote, and once they receive it, they will forget who voted for them. They have spent soo many months telling lies about their opponent, they won't know the difference between a lie and the truth. Once they are elected, they will chase skirts, commit adultery, and try to fashion their life after Bill Clinton. After they have begged for our vote, they will tell us to mind our own business. Their promises are like a fart in the wind. Can't we just turn down the slate, and ask for new candidates. Lets give every voting person a number, and have a giant lottery. If the person doesn't want the job, pick another number.

Someone's Oberservations

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"

? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Birthdays

This week I have another one of those days. It only happens once a year and maybe most people will remember what birthdays are for. NOTHING. You get to be reminded that you are getting older. My grey hair, flabby mid section, fleeting memory, and other physical things remind me daily.
People get to sing to you. Most people who sing to you shouldn't sing at all.
I'm on the other side of the hill and it is all downhill from here. I don't have brakes.
With age come wisdom. BS Just ask my kids. I'm as dumb as dirt and just as old.

My birthday reminds me that my wifes birthday is in 10 days. She gets prettier every year and I am so lucky. Thats why I like to celebrate her birthday.

My birthday also reminds me that halloween is over, and my mask is still attached and real.

Before you start feeling sorry for me, don't. God has given me a great life. I come from a great family, I have a great wife and kids whom I love dearly. Who needs lots of money..................................... A little money might be nice.


Before anyone asks how old I am, you must answer these questions.
1- Do you like your front teeth.
2- I know where you live.
3- My name is not in the obituaries, will yours be?
4- I just might have pictures of you that you don't want published.


WHY IS THERE BIRTHDAY CAKE?. Everyone might have a piece, and the rest gets old and thrown away. Kind of reminds me of getting older.

Well, Im back to designing my retirement home. What is the best way to waterproof a refrigerator box?