My Blog List

Monday, December 31, 2007

WOW What a year. Goodbye and good riddens to 2007

Do you remember the cartoon character of the the new years baby and and the old man on his way out. The old man was the baby at the beginning of the year, and is now old and worn out. That is the way I feel about 2007.

THINGS LOST IN 2007

1- I lost my father in February
2- Liz lost her job in May.
3- Liz lost her unemployment comp until November.
4- Liz lost her mind from the abuse at her work.
5- Lost a transmission
6- Lost a pastor

THINGS FOUND IN 2007

1-Liz found her mind.
2-we found a home.
3- we gained Cat and Sean
4-We lost Lindsey.( she moved out on her own path)
5- We gained Akiko as a soon to be daughter in law.
6- We gained a truck.
7- Found a new transmission
8- Found closer friendships

To quote , "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

That life! May God bless you all in 2008

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????











Can you cry under water?






How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?






Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?





Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?






Why does a round pizza come in a square box?





What disease did cured ham actually have?







How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?







Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?







If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?






Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?







Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?







Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.







Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?







Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?







If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?







Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV lane ? & lt; /B>







If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?







Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!







If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?







If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?







If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?







Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?







Why did you just try singing the two songs above?







Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your REAR END?







Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Monday, December 17, 2007

Subject: How we suffered!!!!!



This is sure to bring about some memories.
..

Our Childhood in Black n White

Our Childhood in Black and White
(Under age 40? You just won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the TV set.
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and
Spread Mayo on the same cutting board with
The same knife and no bleach,
But we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in
Wax paper in a brown paper bag,
Not in ice-pack coolers,
But I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone
Swimming in the lake instead
Of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
No beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up
A phone in a jail cell,
And a pager was the
School PA system.

We all took gym, not PE .. And
Risked permanent injury with a pair
Of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
Instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
With air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but
They must have happened because
They tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option,
Even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school,
We all said prayers and sang the national anthem,
And staying in detention after school
Caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to
Accomplish something before
I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were
Without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or
270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
That bee sting?
I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on
Piles of gravel left on vacant
Construction sites, and when we got hurt,
Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle
Of Mercurochrome (kids liked it
Better because it didn't sting like iodine did)
And then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
Followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
And then Mom calls the attorney to sue
The contractor for leaving a horribly vicious
Pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
Because if we did,
We got our butt spanked there and
Then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door
Coming over and doing his tricks
On the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she
Could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and
Swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off,
Not a single person I knew
Had ever been told that
They were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy
And anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by
So many societal ills
That we didn't even notice that
The entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA,
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T,
SO SORRY!

FOR WHAT YOU MISSED...
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Eight days until Christmas. This will be our first Christmas in our new home. The house is decorated with lights and Christmas Trees. Yes, that is plural. One tree in the office and one tree in the living room. The mantle over the fireplace has a Nativity scene that Liz made years ago. Also hanging from the mantle are the Christmas stockings. So far there is snow on the ground, and we have a fire place for those warm holiday feelings in front of a fire. My youngest child just turned 18 and my oldest child is getting married. My daughter and her boyfriend/possible fiancee is living with us and we are not crowded. As I look back on the year, we are truly blessed. We have a home, family and great friends. As a author once said, "It was best of times, it was the worst of times". I call that "BALANCE".

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch too much TV, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too s eldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember: Spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember: Say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember: To give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart, and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember: To say, "I love you " to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.Remember:? To hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there.Give time to love, giv e time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.If you don't send this to at least eight people, who cares???????????????????? George Carlin
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements,
makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay about $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the
Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?


However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years.....

... he¢ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007: (Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says



No, really?



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers



Now that's taking things a bit far!



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over



What a guy!



Miners Refuse to Work after Death



No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant



See if that works any better than a fair trial!



War Dims Hope for Peace



I can see where it might have that effect!



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures



Who would have thought!



Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges



You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program!



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft



That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Monday, December 03, 2007

ADVICE FROM AN OLD
TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN


Your fences need to be
horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.

Keep skunks
and bankers
and lawyers
at a distance.

Life is simpler
when you plow
around the stump.

A bumble bee
is considerably
faster than
a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak
into your ears
are whispered...
not yelled.

Meanness
don't jes'
happen
overnight.

Forgive your enemies.
It messes up
their heads.

Do not corner something
that you know is
meaner than you.

It don't take
a very big person
to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay
a cruel,
or unkind word.

Every path has
a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs,
expect to get dirty.

The best sermons
are lived,
not preached.

Most of the stuff
people worry about
ain't never gonna
happen anyway.

Don't judge folks
by their relatives.

Remember that silence
is sometimes
the best answer.

Live a good,
honorable life.
Then when you get older
and think back,
you'll enjoy it
a second time.

Don't interfere
with somethin'
that ain't botherin'
you none.

Timing has
a lot to do with
the outcome
of a rain dance.

If you find yourself
in a hole,
the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get,
and sometimes
you get got.

The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever
have to deal with,
watches you from
the mirror
every mornin'.

Always drink
upstream
from the herd.

Good judgment
comes from
experience,
and a lotta that
comes from
bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat
outta the bag
is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin'
you're a person
of some influence,
try orderin'
somebody else's
dog around.

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest
up to God.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.



This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Subject: FW: Wake UP, America!





New Rules For 2008

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S . Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
Greed is alive and well in sports. Once again the middle class and lower class , financially speaking, is paying the bill for the the upper class. If you enjoy Big Ten sports, you know have to pay more to get the Big Ten Network. If you enjoy the Pro Football, you can now pay more for a special NFL Network. The ticket prices are already to high for pro and college sport events. Gone are the days when you put up your rabbit ears to receive the sporting event. You now have to pay for cable, and then pay more for special stations. The rich get their tickets comped because their companies spend money on advertising. Someday people will stand up and say enough is enough.
One example on how the people spoke up was the Muskegon Air Fair. Everything went downhill when people were forbidden to take their food into the event. Instead you had to buy overpriced food. People stopped coming and soon the event was closed.

Gone to a movie lately? For the price of a ticket and the overcharge of popcorn and treats, you could have fed a family of 50.

Gone to church lately? The collection plate is voluntary, and you you get treated to some great music and interesting speakers. You get to converse, get a free cup of coffee and enjoy yourself.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said, "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my dut y to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

"My Gramps died at Pearl' on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ,'
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Monday, November 26, 2007

Twas' the month before Christmas when all through our
land, Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.

Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a " Holiday ".

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

CDs from Madonna, an X-Box, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

As Target was hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was nowhere to be found.
(side note - that has changed!)

At K-Mart and Staples and Penney's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your
ears.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, now Darden, now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Not Happy Holiday.

Friday, November 23, 2007

BLACK FRIDAY

It is claimed that this is one of the two largest retail day of the year. The other is the day after Christmas. Today is the largest selling day, and the 26th of December being the largest return day. On Thanksgiving day, the gas prices dropped to $3.07 per gallon, and now will continue to rise up to Christmas. I imagine it will go up to around $3.50 per gallon. This all happens with the price of crude oil staying the same and the refineries taking a holiday. The reason I bring this up is to show the gulability of the american people. We will listen to all the excuses for rising prices, and continue to buy. The longer we hold off on buying Christmas presents, the lower the prices will drop. Hold back on your travels and the gas prices will drop. Why do you think retailer drop prices on these days. 1) To get you into the stores 2) To get you to come back and play full retail, (you won't buy everything in one day). 3) What profit they lose out on black friday, they will gain back and more before Christmas. What profit the gas retailers lose on The holiday they will gain back. Black Friday is called that because of the wool pulled over your eyes.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

THE LAW IS THE LAW


So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.


And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.


I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.


I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings , I don't believe the
Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.


I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter.

After all, they're just another day.


I' d like the " US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays."
After all, they're just another day.


I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break."
After all it's just another day.


I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good
Friday & Easter .

It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....


I think that our government should work on Sundays
(initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day ....

What do you all think????


If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop
giving in to the "minority opinions"

And begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT ...........


Please Dear Lord,

Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!

'Amen' and 'Amen'

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hang on to your boot straps, it's another Christmas holiday shopping season. Retailers have geared up to bombard to with everything. Every commercial break will have Christmas ads. Every store you walk in will have Christmas music, and Bing Crosby singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas". Contrary to John Lenon, God is not dead. Bing is dead and his music is still being played. We use to be thankful at Thanksgiving that there were no Christmas commercials until after Thanksgiving. There are many things that I am thankful for on Thanksgiving.
1- I will not be getting lead painted toys from China.
2- Instead of the same old Christmas lights on the houses, we can look at for sale signs and foreclosure notices.
3- We won't have to worry about those long lines at Christmas. Most people can't afford Christmas. If you miss the lines, you can stand in the food lines, I understand they are getting longer
4- They decided not to have a turkey in the white house at thanksgiving. To many turkeys already
5- With gas prices skyrocketing, that sleigh ride to grandmas house might be the way to go.

I am thankful that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Santa may be struggling, but I'm sure that God is busy listening to prayers this Christmas season.

Well I guess that I have a way to go to get into the Christmas season. I guess I will work on Thanksgiving first.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Monday, November 19, 2007

I am posting this because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Friday, November 16, 2007

No Pun Jobs

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned - I couldn't concentrate.

Then, I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

So, then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have "the best" of everything;
they make the best of everything they have and abide in gratitude"


>>> >>>>This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana (a doctor's wife),
>>>>>>and I want to share it with you. She was over recently for coffee and
>>>>>>smelled the bleach I was using to clean my toilet and counter tops.
>>>>>>This is what she told me...
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little ole
>>>>>>bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store.
>>>>>>What does bleach cost? My husband has been in the medical field for
>>>>>>over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide. Have
>>>>>>you ever smelled bleach in a doctor's office? NO!!! Why? Because it
>>>>>>smells, and it is not healthy! Ask the nurses who work in the doctor's
>>>>>>offices, and ask them if they use bleach at home. They are wiser and
>>>>>>know better!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Did you also know bleach was invented in the late 40's? It's chlorine,
>>>>>>Folks! And it was used to kill our troops. Peroxide was invented
>>>>>>during WWI in the 20's. It was used to save and help cleanse the needs
>>>>>>of our troops and hospitals. Please think about this.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle)
>>>>>>and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do
>>>>>>it when I bathe.) No more canker sores, and your teeth will be whiter
>>>>>>without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash.
>>>>>> 2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free
>>>>>>of germs.
>>>>>> 3.. Clean your counters and table tops with peroxide to kill germs
>>>>>>and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you
>>>>>>wipe, or spray it on the counters.
>>>>>> 4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it
>>>>>>to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
>>>>>> 5. I had fungus on my feet for years until I sprayed a 50/50
>>>>>>mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every
>>>>>>night and let dry.
>>>>>> 6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten
>>>>>>minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would
>>>>>>not heal with any medicine but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
>>>>>> 7. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water
>>>>>>and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic
>>>>>>system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>8. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture
>>>>>>whenever you have a cold, plugged sinus. It will bubble and help to
>>>>>>kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes, and then blow your nose
>>>>>>into a tissue.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>9. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right
>>>>>>away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten
>>>>>>minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
>>>>>> 10. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray
>>>>>>the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it
>>>>>>through. You will not have the peroxide-burnt blonde hair like the
>>>>>>hair dye packages but more natural highlights if your hair is a light
>>>>>>brown, faddish, or dirty blonde. It also lightens gradually, so it's
>>>>>>not a drastic change.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>11. Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils,
>>>>>>fungus, or other skin infections.
>>>>>> 12. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load
>>>>>>of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on
>>>>>>clothing, pour it directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a
>>>>>>minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
>>>>>> 13. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors. There is no smearing,
>>>>>>which is why I love it so much for this.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be
>>>>>>without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a
>>>>>>way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner!
>>>>>>

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Today is November 13th. My favorite day of the year. It is my wife's birthday. This women has been by my side for over 20 years. I have never had the need to doubt her love for me and her faithfulness. I could not imagine my life without her in it. Since I can't give her the world, I hope my love is enough.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Welcome to Waltons Mountain. This is what I lovingly refer to as our home. This past weekend Sean and Cat moved in. They moved into where the office was, and the office was moved into the den. We are truely blessed because our kids know that they are always welcome. This also bring more life to the house, and Liz feels more comfortable with someone home with me. The reference to Waltons Mountain is from the TV show "The Waltons." In this TV show everyone moves back to Waltons mountain after they have moved out. If this still doesnt make sense, then you are too young to remember and the reference won't mean anything to you. We are now back to a household of 5 people and 3 cats. If Donald comes home with Akiko and Lindsey has her friends over, we turely have a full house.
Recipe for the perfect marriage...

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.


l. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.


2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6 She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words,

'God Bless'

Thursday, November 08, 2007

A drunk walkin down the river bank runs into a preacher baptizing people in
the river. the preacher sees the guy, says "you there,
do you want to find Jesus?"The drunk says OK. The preacher grabs him
pushes him under the water, pulls him up, says "did you find
Jesus?'The drunk says no, I didn't find Jesus. The peacher pushes him under the
water again, pulls him up, says "did you find Jesus?"
The drunk says no, I didn't find Jesus. The preacher pushes him under the water
again, this time holds him under like a minute and a half, pulls him up, says
"did you find Jesus?"The drunk spits sputters, catches his breath, says "are you
sure this is where he fell in?"
Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?†Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.†My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced m yself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo , she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.""And why not, darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer tha t nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I receved this prayer from a Friend and thought I would share it.

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees
it.

Friday, November 02, 2007

This in the Oakland Press.


To all those who would like to see a Democrat, pro-choice, big spending, union backed, anti-gun, anti-business, anti-war, anti-capitalist, pro-government, liberal, socialist, female lawyer for president (Hillary Clinton), just ask the people in Michigan, home of (Gov. Jennifer Granholm), "HOW'S THAT WORKIN' FOR YA???

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving athim. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't placewhere he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which shereplies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelorparty that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddieswatching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Kinda boggles the mind doesn't it !!!!!



>>
>Beauty of Math!
>
>1 x 8 + 1 = 9
>12 x 8 + 2 = 98
>123 x 8 + 3 = 987
>1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
>12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
>123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
>1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
>12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
>123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
>
>1 x 9 + 2 = 11
>12 x 9 + 3 = 111
>123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
>1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
>12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
>123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
>1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
>12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
>123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
>
>9 x 9 + 7 = 88
>98 x 9 + 6 = 888
>987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
>9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
>98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
>987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
>9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
>98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
>
>Brilliant, isn't it?
>
& gt;And look at this symmetry:
>
>1 x 1 = 1
>11 x 11 = 121
>111 x 111 = 12321
>1111 x 1111 = 1234321
>11111 x 11111 = 123454321
>111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
>1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
>11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
>111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
>
>
>
>Now, take a look at this...
>
>
>101%
>
>
> >From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
>
>
>
>What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
>
>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
>
>We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER
>100%.
>
>How about ACHIEVING 101%?
>
>
>
>What equals 100% in life?
>
>
>
>
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might h elp answer these
>questions:
>
>
>
>If:
>
>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>Is represented as:
>
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>
>
>If:
>
>
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
>
>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
>
>And:
>
>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>
>But:
>
>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>
>
>THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
>
>
>
>L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
>
>12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
>
>
>
>Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
>
>While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close , and Attitude will
>get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
>
>It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just
>the way I did.
>
>
>
>Have a nice day & God bless!!!
>
>
>

Monday, October 29, 2007

The following was written by Ben Stein

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when
people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees
Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel
discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas
trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or
getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of
like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters
celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me
at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key
intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want
a crche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few
hundred yards away.


I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I
don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being
Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and
tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea
where the concept came from that America is an explicitly
atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I
don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come
from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't
allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess
that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a
lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came
from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a
laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to
be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you
thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show
and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something
like this happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an
extremely profound and insightful response.
She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just
as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out
of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out
of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He
has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His
blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us
alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray
O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently)
complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we
said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our
children when they misbehave because their little
personalities would be warped and we might damage their
self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an
expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.


Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why
it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates,
and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can
figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE
REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then
wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we
believe what the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail
and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending
messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about
sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene
articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public
discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not sure
what they believe, or what they will think of you for
sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people
think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just
discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard
this thought process, don't sit back and complain about
what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

Sunday, October 28, 2007

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR SWEETHEART WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well,...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

It is Saturday morning, it is cool, rainy, and I have to put up storm windows. Yes, I have to take down the screen and put up the storms. Summer has just flown by once again and soon that four letter word will be upon us. Yes, I'm talking about SNOW. The blizzards, the sleet, the ice, and the dirty snow. Before we get the joy of shoveling this white blessing, we get to rake leaves. I keep praying that mine will all blow away. No such luck. When I bought this house, my kids all said that they would take care of the yard. No one home but Liz and I. I will finish putting up the storm, and raking the leave and then get the lecture on how a heart patient isn't suppose to do this. If my wife reads this, she will get mad at me for bringing up this topic and I will remind her that she is still on restrictions from her surgery. My wife and all my kids are allergic to the outdoors which means that I am the only one left to do the yard work. Let it be known, that I enjoy the outdoor work, and am well aware of when I should stop and let the old ticker have a rest. Never the less, here I go.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Damn Straight... this is how is should be done! This was sent to me
____________________________________________________________________
>
> Have to love this guy. Maricopa Joe is not a Politician he is a mover &
> shaker.
>
> SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN
>
> Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
> animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
> over, and the County Supervisors said okay. The animal shelters are now
> all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays.
> Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has
> prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give
> great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally
> taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and
> had them place in dog shows. The best part? His budget for the entire
> department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from
> a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on
> all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we
> got him. Cost us $78.
>
>
> The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
> would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
> his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
> prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. I have long
> wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs
> the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated
> to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of
> their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by
> hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and
> fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners
> work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the
> Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the
> Prison.
>
>
> Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote. Now he's in trouble
> with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural,
> that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call
> and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement
> wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained
> specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and
> bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind
> of a "Git-R Dun" kind of Sheriff.
>
>
> Update on Joe Arpaio
>
> TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO
>
> HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF
>
> AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
> THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
> Sheriff Joe Arpaio
> (In Arizona)
> Who created the
> "Tent City Jail":
> He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
> them.
>
> He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their
> weights Cut off all but "G" movies.
>
> He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and
> city projects.
>
> Then He Started
> Chain Gangs For Women
> So He Wouldn't Get
> Sued For
> Discrimination.
>
> He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court
> Order
> That Required Cable TV For Jails
> So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And
> The Weather Channel.
>
> When asked why the weather channel
> He Replied,
> So They Will Know
> How Hot It's Gonna Be
> While They Are Working
> ON My Chain Gangs.
>
> He Cut Off Coffee
> Since It Has
> Zero Nutritional Value.
>
> When the inmates complained, he told them, "This Isn't The
> Ritz/Carlton.....If You Don't Like It,
> Don't Come Back."
>
> He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into
> the jails.
>
> When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
> replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the
> inmates were in his jails in the first place.
>
> More On The Arizona Sheriff:
>
> With Temperatures Being Even Hotter
>
> Than Usual In Phoenix
>
> (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record),
>
> The Associated Press Reports:
>
> About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment
>
> At The
>
> Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their
> Government-Issued
>
> Pink Boxer Shorts.
>
> On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on
> their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached
>
> 138 Degrees
>
> Inside The Week Before.
>
> Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their
> Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.
>
> "It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,"
>
> Said James Zanzot,
>
> An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year.
>
> "It's Inhumane."
>
> Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
> started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
> one bit sympathetic.
>
> He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 Degrees In
> Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full
> Battle Gear, But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Damned
> Mouths!"
>
> Way To Go, Sheriff!
>
> Maybe if all prisons were like this one
>
> there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders.
>
> Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until
> it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so
> they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers
> can't afford to have for themselves.
>
> If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it.
>
> Sheriff Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.
>
>
>
>

Sunday, October 21, 2007

It is 7:30 am on Sunday morning and I'm waiting for my newspaper to arrive. I have to leave in a half hour to open up Westwood for morning worship. Yesterday, a bunch of the members joined together to clean the inside and outside of the church. We do this twice a year and do major projects that I don't have the time to do. (Painting, edging, storing stuff, and throwing away stuff that has been stored to long etc...) Last night I spent 3 hours cleaning up after the people who came in to clean. Seems redundant doesn't it, but these people all see the big picture, and don't realize that I have to re- vacuum everything, and re clean bathrooms. What they don't realize is that the church is looking to cut the janitors position because of lack of funds. This will mean that volunteers will be needed to clean the church. If they don't cut the janitors position, there is the secretaries job, in which they will need volunteers and once a gain that job should be safe. The next cut would be the organist/choir directors job. Many feel that this can be substituted by cds. Good luck on this one. Another choice would be making the pastors job a part time position. The RCA would not allow this to happen, which in that case the church should not pay its 10 grand a year for membership. Lets see which of those choices the RCA would like. The bottom line is, if Lizs janitorial position is cut, this will be the third hit from the church financially. Liz had kids hope, and janitorial and I has choir director. On top of this, Liz lost her regular job at Wesco, and they continue to fight unemployment. We still have my social security, but who knows what politician will try to take that away. Thank God that Liz has less then a year to go in school before she graduates and gets a professional job. I, meanwhile, have volunteered to coach the Muskegon Technical Academy Boys Varsity Basketball team for free. We are starting up a new program, and I have to coach, set up scheduling, try to find uniforms, and establish this program. Well it's 7:55 and I have to get going. See you later.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sometimes I wonder If God gave me the common sense to come out of the rain. I was asked, and I agreed to coach high school basketball at Muskegon TEchnical Academy. This is strictly volunteer. At my age when I am just getting the kids out of the house, I take on a job that doesn't pay, and involved teenage boys. I know have two occupations that don't pay.
Hopefully, this week, we will get the result of Liz's unemployment. This should be in our favor and with that money we can get the Stratus fixed, and pay off some debts. She has almost nine months of back pay coming.
It hard to believe that summer is over, and I have to start putting up the storm windows. We have even had a fire in the fireplace.
For those of you that were at the LLC last night, I thought Brian did a fantastic job. I wish more could have heard him.
To all of you out there, God bless and be good.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandw ich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine .. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!



Life is tough .
It's tougher if you're stupid

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Did you ever have those times when everything goes wrong. This past month has been one of those times. It started with Liz having two surgeries, I had one to remove a growth. The dryer broke, and we need a new one. This one was almost as old as me.
Yesterday, in the pouring rain, the transmission on our only car blew up. Fortunately with the help of Louis and Earlaine, we were able to get Liz and Lindsey back and forth from school, car towed into the mechanic, and the purchase of a second vehicle. Today I went a licenced it, and now I have my first pickup truck. A $500.00 beauty. Louie and I worked on it last night, and now hopefully it will last a while. Its not real pretty, but she gets the job done. The mechanics are looking for a new transmission,or used, for the 2001 Stratus. This will definitely crimp the check book. I could bitch a moan about it all, but there are far more good sides to this story. The car broke down just a few blocks from home. Earlaine just happened to come by, and Louie helped out in the best possible way. Without Louie and Earlaines help, yesterday would have been alot worse. God was looking out for us through some very special friends.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Michigan is screwed. I guess there is no other way to put it. We have legislators that couldn't find their hand in front of their face. We have a governor who has thrown a temper tantrum on TV to get her way. How could the people of Michigan elect such an inept group of people. My kids when they were young, showed more promise in working with others, then does this bunch of clowns in Lansing. If any of you clowns are listening, here is a way to save the state. This is my top 10

10- Take the ex lax out of your food supply. You take too many breaks.
9- You can't leave your seats. Every time you do, you have to take a breaks.
8- Governor, wear a dress, the guys might go your way if they see your legs
7- If you don't have a budget by Sunday, you are all fired.
6- Take reporters and cameras away. Too much mugging, not enough working.
5- Each legislator and the Governor must wear a zap collar. Any partisan remarks receives a zap. You leave your desk, you get zapped.
4- Give them treats. Children do better when they get treats.
3- Give them a game of tic tac toe. Once they have accomplished this, then they can move on to the budget. This might take a while, but it might be worth it.
2- Give them all ex lax and tell them they can't leave until they pass a budget. Since they are already full of it, this shouldn't take long.
1- Line each legislature and the Governor in a line. Ask them why they can't pass a budget. When the person lies, or says something that is purely partisan politic, they must remove their clothing and dance the jig, while wearing the zap collar and just having taken ex lax.

If you think this is funny, there is much more humor in Lansing. With a state that is in the worst shape in the nation, they want to raise taxes, and cut back on education. Lets hammer the people who don't have jobs, health insurance,education, and respect. Our Canadian born governor has the idea that she can drive everyone out of the state, and then maybe Canada can take over. The Governor and the legislators have made Michigan the "Mistake on the Lake." Our Governor is the worst since Blanchard, and our legislators are just the worst ever.

Obviously we are now in the situation that requires a tax increase. Obviously there is alot of fat in the budget that needs to be trimmed. Years of failed government have created a situation that we are in. Big business that for soo long have enjoyed the biggest breaks, are now not passing them on. They have taken tax breaks, shut down their plant, and moved away. The automotive companies have fallen so far out of touch that they will soon be a non factor in Michigan's economy. The Big three will be the last three.

Grand Rapids has taken the bull by the horns. The creation of the "Medical Mile" is a step in the right direction. There is a dim light in Michigan, and it is not in Lansing. That light has gone out. Time for new bulbs.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, Be V-e-r-y Careful....IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.____________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'From Kingman , KS______________________________________________________IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' ;He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !_____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged cowo rker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS_____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a bunch at Texas Instruments._____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less._____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!' His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'This was at the Ford Dealership in Canton Mississippi!____________________________________________________STAY ALERT!They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and arethings people actually said In court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporterswho had the torment of Staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.=====================================================ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you thatmorning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about ituntil the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh... I was gett'in laid!____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: What? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can Iget a new attorney?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Guess.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to yourAttorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you liketo rephrase that?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?WITNESS: Oral.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him!____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?____________________________________________________________________And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive andpracticing law._________________________________________________________________

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Why do politicians make it so hard. In this day and age when everyone is looking to save money, the government, local and national, can't decide what to do. Half the people want to raise taxes, and the other half want to decrease spending. We wouldn't even have this discussion if it weren't for pork. No, I'm not talking about Hillary's thighs or Bush's hips. I talking about add ons. These are the trillions of dollars that are added on to every spending bill. Keep this thought in mind. If we gave the president a line item veto, we could run the government just on the savings and be in the black in less than a year. Medical insurance would be funded for everyone, and school would not go without. The money saved would go in your pocket to spend locally and that would boost local and state coffers. If this was your household budget, you would cut out luxury spending, and start paying for things that are needed. You wouldn't be throwing money out the window. That is what the government is doing. Who opposes this? Insurance companies, large companies who can't balance their own books. Worthless projects that can't get approved on their own merits. When wealthy politicians and big business point fingers at the people on welfare and social security, and bellow about where this money is being spent, take a look at the income of big business and their pork. Washington needs to wake up. Do you want to save Social Security. You can but you won't. Money got you elected, money keeps you in power, and lack of money will be you demise. You need pork. You are addicted to pork. You give millions to companies that in turn ship their jobs to China or India. Your addiction to pork is worse then a drug habit. The only way to feed your habit, is more pork. We can continue to feed your habit, or give you the cure. The cure is a line item veto, or a process that does not allow add-ons. Why hasn't this happened? You are asking the addict to make the decision.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to
hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the
neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could
use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you
charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything
she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the
house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to
believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail
lately."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the
door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband
asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it
two coats - no extra charge!."

Impressed, the man reached into h is pocket for the $50
and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."

Monday, September 17, 2007

OJ

No, not orange juice. I awoke this morning to OJ. OJ Simpson, Homers brother. The former football player, actor, accused murderer, author, father, and now accused thief. We have a war going on in Iraq, homes being foreclosed, lack of jobs, debates over who is a christian and who is not, and we headline the news with OJ. OJ had his five minutes of fame, as a matter of fact he has had more then his five minutes. If he stole something, and is convicted, he is nothing but a petty thief. We don't need to re-do his biography, psycology, or what other ology that makes him tick. Just send him to a Hollywood rehab and everything will be better.

How about Britney Spears? Who cares.
How about Lindsey Lohan? Who cares.
How about Hollywood? Who cares.
How about the Saprano's? Who cares.

We are stuck in another Vietnam and no one cares. People are losing jobs and homes and no one cares. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer and no one cares. The constitution of the United States has been twisted out of shape and no one cares.

What do I care about?

Sports. The tigers and lions are winning. Michigan football teams stinks, and MSU is undefeated.

Family. As long as they let me watch sports.

Music. Theme to Monday Night Football

God. There must be a God. The Lions, Tigers, and MSU are winning.

Lets get serious folk, sports or Hollywood slime. Flip a coin. You lose.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

Cows
*Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to
their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
*
The Constitution
*They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked
for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
**
*The Ten Commandments
*The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.*

Saturday, September 15, 2007

A woman sent this to me:




When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait
has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern
"seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
empty. You
would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't -
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants,
and
assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear
your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat,
you
would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that
now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious,
tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would
be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom
never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't
KNOW
what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers
your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow
sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet
paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and
the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found
in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very
end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe,
plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might
need
this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used,
and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
why
is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what
really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal
can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the
door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!



A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!