What a month and It is only half over.

This month started out with my wife going in the hospital for a week, and a good friend passing away. Liz is now home, but it will take a while to recover.
This past weekend, my son got married to a very beautiful young lady. I officiated the service and everything went well. He is married, and I am a lot poorer. WE had the reception at the church, and then everyone came over to our house afterwards. If you thought it was crowded in the church, you should have been at the house. My younger brother couldn't make it because he had suffer a possible heart attack and was in the hospital in Grand Rapids. He is schedule for an angiogram on Monday.
This week, the varsity basketball team that I coach, has 4 games in 5 days. This abundant snow has caused a backup on scheduling. I just looked outside, and it is snowing again. Enough is Enough.

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


The butcher backed up into the meat grinder & got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.


A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.


The dead batteries were given out free of charge.



A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


A will is a dead giveaway.


Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.


The guy who fell onto a n upholstery machine was fully recovered.


A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.


You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.


When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.


Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis


Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Hell Week?

Friday, my wife was taken by ambulance to Grand Rapids, after suffering a breakdown.
She is now there for as long as it takes. She was doing better yesterday when I visited, so I have my fingers crossed.

Friday, a good friend died. Lyle was 95 years young.

Yesterday My youngest daughter bought her car. I didn't even make it home. It died.
Hopefully it is just the battery.

My son is trying to get his marrage licences,her birth certificate came from Japan and his from New York, Michigananders must have a hard time reading them. The Japanese one was translated, and New York calls their birth certificates by a different name.

Well, today is a new day. and so far nothing is going wrong except that white stuff falling from the sky.

2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda

7:00 P.M. -- Opening with a flag burning.
7:15 P.M. -- Pledge of allegiance to the U.N.
7:30 P.M. -- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 P.M. -- Non-religious prayer with Rev's. Jackson and Sharpton
8:00 P.M. -- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:05 P.M. -- Ceremonial tree hugging led by Al Gore
8:15 P.M. -- Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank presiding
8:30 P.M. -- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:35 P.M. -- Honor Saddam Memoriam - Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon
9:00 P.M. -- Keynote speech: The Proper Etiquette for Surrender - Harry Reid
9:15 P.M. -- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:20 P.M. -- Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
9:30 P.M. -- Unveiling of ACLU plan to free "freedom fighters" from
Guantanamo Bay
9:40 P.M. -- Why I hate the Military: A short talk by Bill Clinton
9:45 P.M. -- Ted Kennedy proposes a toas t
9:50 P.M. -- Dan Rather receives Truth in Broadcasting Award from Michael
Moore
9:55 P.M. -- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M.-- Bush and Rumsfeld behind the 9/11 Attacks: by Howard Dean
10:30 P.M.-- Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadhinejad
11:00 P.M.-- Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M.-- Al Gore again on how he invented the Internet
11:15 P.M.-- Our Troops are war criminals by John Kerry
11:30 P.M.-- Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton - Nancy Pelosi presiding
12:00 A.M.-- Ted Kennedy closes the convention and proposes a toast
12:05 A.M.-- Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

Bad day at Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

M y tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire..

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H eard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L ooking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C ongratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H ow could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.



-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



####################################################

C ongratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



********************************************************************************

H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H appy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

W hen we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

W e have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Y our friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))




So your daughter's a hooker and it spoiled your day
Look on the bright side
It's really good pay

Family update

As the weather changes in Michigan so does our family situation. Lindsey, who has moved out, has dropped out of Muskegon High School. She is presently trying to get into mtec so that she can take accelerated classes. Presently she is living by herself, but as soon as she get a car, her friend and her baby will move in with her and share the rent.

S far as we know, we are Cody's legal guardians. He has moved in with us (Lindseys old bedroom). Since child welfare is soo screwed up, the judge just ordered Cody to stay with us, pending a review by child services.

Akiko is leaving the seminary. She wants to per sue her masters at the University of Michigan. Donald and her are working out the kinks.

Liz is still in school and watching Pa at nights.

Cat and Sean are planning out their wedding.

I'm doing nothing.

GREAT AMERICAN COMEBACKS


When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was
asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were
just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent
many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever
asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


At a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American.

During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room
saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has
sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.
What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have
three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;
they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power
to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity
to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several
thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they
carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and
injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships;
how many does France have?'

Once again, dead silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A U.S Navy Admiral was attending a n aval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a
large group of officers that included personnel from most of those
countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,
'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only
English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak
English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's
because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so
you wouldn't have to speak German'

You could have heard a pin drop


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on
a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in
his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-
Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to."


=============

This is too true to be very funny The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean? A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528. B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787. C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012. Washington , D.C HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken?? Tax his land, Tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule. Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirts, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, Tax his beers, If he cries, Tax his tears. Tax his bills, Tax his gas, Tax his notes, Tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, Tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, We won't relax, We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!! Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL License Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax, Luxury Tax, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Service charge taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Tax (Truckers ), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax, School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone Federal Excise Tax, Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax, Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax, Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax, Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax, Telephone State and Local Tax, Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax, Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax. STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!' And I still have to "press 1" for English. I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times What the heck happened?????

SOME "UBI's"
(USELESS BITS OF INFORMAION)

VERY INTERESTING STUFF


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

-------------------------------------------


The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-------------------------------------------

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-------------------------------------------

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

------------------------------------------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

WOW What a year. Goodbye and good riddens to 2007

Do you remember the cartoon character of the the new years baby and and the old man on his way out. The old man was the baby at the beginning of the year, and is now old and worn out. That is the way I feel about 2007.

THINGS LOST IN 2007

1- I lost my father in February
2- Liz lost her job in May.
3- Liz lost her unemployment comp until November.
4- Liz lost her mind from the abuse at her work.
5- Lost a transmission
6- Lost a pastor

THINGS FOUND IN 2007

1-Liz found her mind.
2-we found a home.
3- we gained Cat and Sean
4-We lost Lindsey.( she moved out on her own path)
5- We gained Akiko as a soon to be daughter in law.
6- We gained a truck.
7- Found a new transmission
8- Found closer friendships

To quote , "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

That life! May God bless you all in 2008

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????











Can you cry under water?






How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?






Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?





Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?






Why does a round pizza come in a square box?





What disease did cured ham actually have?







How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?







Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?







If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?






Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?







Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?







Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.







Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?







Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?







If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?







Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV lane ? & lt; /B>







If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?







Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!







If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?







If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?







If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?







Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?







Why did you just try singing the two songs above?







Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your REAR END?







Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Subject: How we suffered!!!!!



This is sure to bring about some memories.
..

Our Childhood in Black n White

Our Childhood in Black and White
(Under age 40? You just won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.

Pull a chair up to the TV set.
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and
Spread Mayo on the same cutting board with
The same knife and no bleach,
But we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter
AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in
Wax paper in a brown paper bag,
Not in ice-pack coolers,
But I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone
Swimming in the lake instead
Of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
No beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up
A phone in a jail cell,
And a pager was the
School PA system.

We all took gym, not PE .. And
Risked permanent injury with a pair
Of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
Instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
With air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but
They must have happened because
They tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option,
Even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school,
We all said prayers and sang the national anthem,
And staying in detention after school
Caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to
Accomplish something before
I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were
Without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or
270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
That bee sting?
I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on
Piles of gravel left on vacant
Construction sites, and when we got hurt,
Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle
Of Mercurochrome (kids liked it
Better because it didn't sting like iodine did)
And then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
Followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
And then Mom calls the attorney to sue
The contractor for leaving a horribly vicious
Pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
Because if we did,
We got our butt spanked there and
Then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door
Coming over and doing his tricks
On the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she
Could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and
Swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off,
Not a single person I knew
Had ever been told that
They were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy
And anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by
So many societal ills
That we didn't even notice that
The entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA,
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T,
SO SORRY!

FOR WHAT YOU MISSED...
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

Eight days until Christmas. This will be our first Christmas in our new home. The house is decorated with lights and Christmas Trees. Yes, that is plural. One tree in the office and one tree in the living room. The mantle over the fireplace has a Nativity scene that Liz made years ago. Also hanging from the mantle are the Christmas stockings. So far there is snow on the ground, and we have a fire place for those warm holiday feelings in front of a fire. My youngest child just turned 18 and my oldest child is getting married. My daughter and her boyfriend/possible fiancee is living with us and we are not crowded. As I look back on the year, we are truly blessed. We have a home, family and great friends. As a author once said, "It was best of times, it was the worst of times". I call that "BALANCE".

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch too much TV, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too s eldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember: Spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember: Say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember: To give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart, and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember: To say, "I love you " to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.Remember:? To hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there.Give time to love, giv e time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.If you don't send this to at least eight people, who cares???????????????????? George Carlin

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements,
makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay about $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the
Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?


However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years.....

... he¢ll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007: (Yes, they were really printed as seen here.)



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says



No, really?



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers



Now that's taking things a bit far!



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over



What a guy!



Miners Refuse to Work after Death



No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant



See if that works any better than a fair trial!



War Dims Hope for Peace



I can see where it might have that effect!



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures



Who would have thought!



Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges



You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program!



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test group

Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft



That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

ADVICE FROM AN OLD
TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN


Your fences need to be
horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.

Keep skunks
and bankers
and lawyers
at a distance.

Life is simpler
when you plow
around the stump.

A bumble bee
is considerably
faster than
a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak
into your ears
are whispered...
not yelled.

Meanness
don't jes'
happen
overnight.

Forgive your enemies.
It messes up
their heads.

Do not corner something
that you know is
meaner than you.

It don't take
a very big person
to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay
a cruel,
or unkind word.

Every path has
a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs,
expect to get dirty.

The best sermons
are lived,
not preached.

Most of the stuff
people worry about
ain't never gonna
happen anyway.

Don't judge folks
by their relatives.

Remember that silence
is sometimes
the best answer.

Live a good,
honorable life.
Then when you get older
and think back,
you'll enjoy it
a second time.

Don't interfere
with somethin'
that ain't botherin'
you none.

Timing has
a lot to do with
the outcome
of a rain dance.

If you find yourself
in a hole,
the first thing to do
is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get,
and sometimes
you get got.

The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever
have to deal with,
watches you from
the mirror
every mornin'.

Always drink
upstream
from the herd.

Good judgment
comes from
experience,
and a lotta that
comes from
bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat
outta the bag
is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin'
you're a person
of some influence,
try orderin'
somebody else's
dog around.

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest
up to God.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.



This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done .....Your turn!

Subject: FW: Wake UP, America!





New Rules For 2008

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S . Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Greed is alive and well in sports. Once again the middle class and lower class , financially speaking, is paying the bill for the the upper class. If you enjoy Big Ten sports, you know have to pay more to get the Big Ten Network. If you enjoy the Pro Football, you can now pay more for a special NFL Network. The ticket prices are already to high for pro and college sport events. Gone are the days when you put up your rabbit ears to receive the sporting event. You now have to pay for cable, and then pay more for special stations. The rich get their tickets comped because their companies spend money on advertising. Someday people will stand up and say enough is enough.
One example on how the people spoke up was the Muskegon Air Fair. Everything went downhill when people were forbidden to take their food into the event. Instead you had to buy overpriced food. People stopped coming and soon the event was closed.

Gone to a movie lately? For the price of a ticket and the overcharge of popcorn and treats, you could have fed a family of 50.

Gone to church lately? The collection plate is voluntary, and you you get treated to some great music and interesting speakers. You get to converse, get a free cup of coffee and enjoy yourself.