Recipe for the perfect marriage...

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.


l. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.


2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6 She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words,

'God Bless'

A drunk walkin down the river bank runs into a preacher baptizing people in
the river. the preacher sees the guy, says "you there,
do you want to find Jesus?"The drunk says OK. The preacher grabs him
pushes him under the water, pulls him up, says "did you find
Jesus?'The drunk says no, I didn't find Jesus. The peacher pushes him under the
water again, pulls him up, says "did you find Jesus?"
The drunk says no, I didn't find Jesus. The preacher pushes him under the water
again, this time holds him under like a minute and a half, pulls him up, says
"did you find Jesus?"The drunk spits sputters, catches his breath, says "are you
sure this is where he fell in?"

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?†Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.†My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced m yself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo , she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.""And why not, darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer tha t nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out."What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

I receved this prayer from a Friend and thought I would share it.

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees
it.

This in the Oakland Press.


To all those who would like to see a Democrat, pro-choice, big spending, union backed, anti-gun, anti-business, anti-war, anti-capitalist, pro-government, liberal, socialist, female lawyer for president (Hillary Clinton), just ask the people in Michigan, home of (Gov. Jennifer Granholm), "HOW'S THAT WORKIN' FOR YA???

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving athim. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't placewhere he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which shereplies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithfulto his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelorparty that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddieswatching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Kinda boggles the mind doesn't it !!!!!



>>
>Beauty of Math!
>
>1 x 8 + 1 = 9
>12 x 8 + 2 = 98
>123 x 8 + 3 = 987
>1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
>12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
>123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
>1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
>12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
>123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
>
>1 x 9 + 2 = 11
>12 x 9 + 3 = 111
>123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
>1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
>12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
>123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
>1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
>12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
>123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
>
>9 x 9 + 7 = 88
>98 x 9 + 6 = 888
>987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
>9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
>98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
>987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
>9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
>98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
>
>Brilliant, isn't it?
>
& gt;And look at this symmetry:
>
>1 x 1 = 1
>11 x 11 = 121
>111 x 111 = 12321
>1111 x 1111 = 1234321
>11111 x 11111 = 123454321
>111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
>1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
>11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
>111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
>
>
>
>Now, take a look at this...
>
>
>101%
>
>
> >From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
>
>
>
>What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
>
>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
>
>We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER
>100%.
>
>How about ACHIEVING 101%?
>
>
>
>What equals 100% in life?
>
>
>
>
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might h elp answer these
>questions:
>
>
>
>If:
>
>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
>
>Is represented as:
>
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>
>
>If:
>
>
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
>
>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
>
>And:
>
>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>
>But:
>
>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>
>
>THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
>
>
>
>L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
>
>12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
>
>
>
>Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
>
>While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close , and Attitude will
>get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
>
>It's up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just
>the way I did.
>
>
>
>Have a nice day & God bless!!!
>
>
>

The following was written by Ben Stein

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was
Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when
people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees
Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel
discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas
trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry
Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or
getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of
like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters
celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me
at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key
intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want
a crche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few
hundred yards away.


I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I
don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being
Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and
tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea
where the concept came from that America is an explicitly
atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I
don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come
from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't
allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess
that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a
lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came
from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a
laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to
be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you
thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show
and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something
like this happen?" (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an
extremely profound and insightful response.
She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just
as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out
of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out
of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He
has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His
blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us
alone?"

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school
shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray
O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently)
complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we
said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our
children when they misbehave because their little
personalities would be warped and we might damage their
self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an
expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.


Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no
conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why
it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates,
and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can
figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE
REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then
wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we
believe what the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail
and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending
messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about
sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene
articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public
discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send
it to many on your address list because you're not sure
what they believe, or what they will think of you for
sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people
think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just
discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard
this thought process, don't sit back and complain about
what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR SWEETHEART WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well,...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!

It is Saturday morning, it is cool, rainy, and I have to put up storm windows. Yes, I have to take down the screen and put up the storms. Summer has just flown by once again and soon that four letter word will be upon us. Yes, I'm talking about SNOW. The blizzards, the sleet, the ice, and the dirty snow. Before we get the joy of shoveling this white blessing, we get to rake leaves. I keep praying that mine will all blow away. No such luck. When I bought this house, my kids all said that they would take care of the yard. No one home but Liz and I. I will finish putting up the storm, and raking the leave and then get the lecture on how a heart patient isn't suppose to do this. If my wife reads this, she will get mad at me for bringing up this topic and I will remind her that she is still on restrictions from her surgery. My wife and all my kids are allergic to the outdoors which means that I am the only one left to do the yard work. Let it be known, that I enjoy the outdoor work, and am well aware of when I should stop and let the old ticker have a rest. Never the less, here I go.

Damn Straight... this is how is should be done! This was sent to me
____________________________________________________________________
>
> Have to love this guy. Maricopa Joe is not a Politician he is a mover &
> shaker.
>
> SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN
>
> Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray
> animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department
> over, and the County Supervisors said okay. The animal shelters are now
> all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays.
> Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has
> prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give
> great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally
> taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and
> had them place in dog shows. The best part? His budget for the entire
> department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from
> a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on
> all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we
> got him. Cost us $78.
>
>
> The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most
> would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of
> his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the
> prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. I have long
> wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs
> the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated
> to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of
> their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by
> hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and
> fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners
> work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the
> Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the
> Prison.
>
>
> Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote. Now he's in trouble
> with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural,
> that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call
> and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement
> wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained
> specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and
> bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind
> of a "Git-R Dun" kind of Sheriff.
>
>
> Update on Joe Arpaio
>
> TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO
>
> HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF
>
> AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
> THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
> Sheriff Joe Arpaio
> (In Arizona)
> Who created the
> "Tent City Jail":
> He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
> them.
>
> He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their
> weights Cut off all but "G" movies.
>
> He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and
> city projects.
>
> Then He Started
> Chain Gangs For Women
> So He Wouldn't Get
> Sued For
> Discrimination.
>
> He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court
> Order
> That Required Cable TV For Jails
> So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And
> The Weather Channel.
>
> When asked why the weather channel
> He Replied,
> So They Will Know
> How Hot It's Gonna Be
> While They Are Working
> ON My Chain Gangs.
>
> He Cut Off Coffee
> Since It Has
> Zero Nutritional Value.
>
> When the inmates complained, he told them, "This Isn't The
> Ritz/Carlton.....If You Don't Like It,
> Don't Come Back."
>
> He bought Newt Gingrich's lecture series on videotape that he pipes into
> the jails.
>
> When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
> replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the
> inmates were in his jails in the first place.
>
> More On The Arizona Sheriff:
>
> With Temperatures Being Even Hotter
>
> Than Usual In Phoenix
>
> (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record),
>
> The Associated Press Reports:
>
> About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment
>
> At The
>
> Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their
> Government-Issued
>
> Pink Boxer Shorts.
>
> On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on
> their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached
>
> 138 Degrees
>
> Inside The Week Before.
>
> Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their
> Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.
>
> "It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,"
>
> Said James Zanzot,
>
> An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year.
>
> "It's Inhumane."
>
> Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
> started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
> one bit sympathetic.
>
> He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 Degrees In
> Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full
> Battle Gear, But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Damned
> Mouths!"
>
> Way To Go, Sheriff!
>
> Maybe if all prisons were like this one
>
> there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders.
>
> Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until
> it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so
> they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers
> can't afford to have for themselves.
>
> If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it.
>
> Sheriff Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.
>
>
>
>

It is 7:30 am on Sunday morning and I'm waiting for my newspaper to arrive. I have to leave in a half hour to open up Westwood for morning worship. Yesterday, a bunch of the members joined together to clean the inside and outside of the church. We do this twice a year and do major projects that I don't have the time to do. (Painting, edging, storing stuff, and throwing away stuff that has been stored to long etc...) Last night I spent 3 hours cleaning up after the people who came in to clean. Seems redundant doesn't it, but these people all see the big picture, and don't realize that I have to re- vacuum everything, and re clean bathrooms. What they don't realize is that the church is looking to cut the janitors position because of lack of funds. This will mean that volunteers will be needed to clean the church. If they don't cut the janitors position, there is the secretaries job, in which they will need volunteers and once a gain that job should be safe. The next cut would be the organist/choir directors job. Many feel that this can be substituted by cds. Good luck on this one. Another choice would be making the pastors job a part time position. The RCA would not allow this to happen, which in that case the church should not pay its 10 grand a year for membership. Lets see which of those choices the RCA would like. The bottom line is, if Lizs janitorial position is cut, this will be the third hit from the church financially. Liz had kids hope, and janitorial and I has choir director. On top of this, Liz lost her regular job at Wesco, and they continue to fight unemployment. We still have my social security, but who knows what politician will try to take that away. Thank God that Liz has less then a year to go in school before she graduates and gets a professional job. I, meanwhile, have volunteered to coach the Muskegon Technical Academy Boys Varsity Basketball team for free. We are starting up a new program, and I have to coach, set up scheduling, try to find uniforms, and establish this program. Well it's 7:55 and I have to get going. See you later.

Sometimes I wonder If God gave me the common sense to come out of the rain. I was asked, and I agreed to coach high school basketball at Muskegon TEchnical Academy. This is strictly volunteer. At my age when I am just getting the kids out of the house, I take on a job that doesn't pay, and involved teenage boys. I know have two occupations that don't pay.
Hopefully, this week, we will get the result of Liz's unemployment. This should be in our favor and with that money we can get the Stratus fixed, and pay off some debts. She has almost nine months of back pay coming.
It hard to believe that summer is over, and I have to start putting up the storm windows. We have even had a fire in the fireplace.
For those of you that were at the LLC last night, I thought Brian did a fantastic job. I wish more could have heard him.
To all of you out there, God bless and be good.

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandw ich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine .. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!



Life is tough .
It's tougher if you're stupid

Did you ever have those times when everything goes wrong. This past month has been one of those times. It started with Liz having two surgeries, I had one to remove a growth. The dryer broke, and we need a new one. This one was almost as old as me.
Yesterday, in the pouring rain, the transmission on our only car blew up. Fortunately with the help of Louis and Earlaine, we were able to get Liz and Lindsey back and forth from school, car towed into the mechanic, and the purchase of a second vehicle. Today I went a licenced it, and now I have my first pickup truck. A $500.00 beauty. Louie and I worked on it last night, and now hopefully it will last a while. Its not real pretty, but she gets the job done. The mechanics are looking for a new transmission,or used, for the 2001 Stratus. This will definitely crimp the check book. I could bitch a moan about it all, but there are far more good sides to this story. The car broke down just a few blocks from home. Earlaine just happened to come by, and Louie helped out in the best possible way. Without Louie and Earlaines help, yesterday would have been alot worse. God was looking out for us through some very special friends.

Michigan is screwed. I guess there is no other way to put it. We have legislators that couldn't find their hand in front of their face. We have a governor who has thrown a temper tantrum on TV to get her way. How could the people of Michigan elect such an inept group of people. My kids when they were young, showed more promise in working with others, then does this bunch of clowns in Lansing. If any of you clowns are listening, here is a way to save the state. This is my top 10

10- Take the ex lax out of your food supply. You take too many breaks.
9- You can't leave your seats. Every time you do, you have to take a breaks.
8- Governor, wear a dress, the guys might go your way if they see your legs
7- If you don't have a budget by Sunday, you are all fired.
6- Take reporters and cameras away. Too much mugging, not enough working.
5- Each legislator and the Governor must wear a zap collar. Any partisan remarks receives a zap. You leave your desk, you get zapped.
4- Give them treats. Children do better when they get treats.
3- Give them a game of tic tac toe. Once they have accomplished this, then they can move on to the budget. This might take a while, but it might be worth it.
2- Give them all ex lax and tell them they can't leave until they pass a budget. Since they are already full of it, this shouldn't take long.
1- Line each legislature and the Governor in a line. Ask them why they can't pass a budget. When the person lies, or says something that is purely partisan politic, they must remove their clothing and dance the jig, while wearing the zap collar and just having taken ex lax.

If you think this is funny, there is much more humor in Lansing. With a state that is in the worst shape in the nation, they want to raise taxes, and cut back on education. Lets hammer the people who don't have jobs, health insurance,education, and respect. Our Canadian born governor has the idea that she can drive everyone out of the state, and then maybe Canada can take over. The Governor and the legislators have made Michigan the "Mistake on the Lake." Our Governor is the worst since Blanchard, and our legislators are just the worst ever.

Obviously we are now in the situation that requires a tax increase. Obviously there is alot of fat in the budget that needs to be trimmed. Years of failed government have created a situation that we are in. Big business that for soo long have enjoyed the biggest breaks, are now not passing them on. They have taken tax breaks, shut down their plant, and moved away. The automotive companies have fallen so far out of touch that they will soon be a non factor in Michigan's economy. The Big three will be the last three.

Grand Rapids has taken the bull by the horns. The creation of the "Medical Mile" is a step in the right direction. There is a dim light in Michigan, and it is not in Lansing. That light has gone out. Time for new bulbs.

Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, Be V-e-r-y Careful....IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.____________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'From Kingman , KS______________________________________________________IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' ;He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !_____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham, Ala____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged cowo rker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS_____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a bunch at Texas Instruments._____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less._____________________________________________________IDIOT SIGHTING : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!' His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'This was at the Ford Dealership in Canton Mississippi!____________________________________________________STAY ALERT!They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and arethings people actually said In court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporterswho had the torment of Staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.=====================================================ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you thatmorning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about ituntil the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh... I was gett'in laid!____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: What? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can Iget a new attorney?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Guess.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depositionnotice which I sent to yourAttorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you liketo rephrase that?____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?WITNESS: Oral.____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him!____________________________________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?____________________________________________________________________And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when youbegan the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive andpracticing law._________________________________________________________________

Why do politicians make it so hard. In this day and age when everyone is looking to save money, the government, local and national, can't decide what to do. Half the people want to raise taxes, and the other half want to decrease spending. We wouldn't even have this discussion if it weren't for pork. No, I'm not talking about Hillary's thighs or Bush's hips. I talking about add ons. These are the trillions of dollars that are added on to every spending bill. Keep this thought in mind. If we gave the president a line item veto, we could run the government just on the savings and be in the black in less than a year. Medical insurance would be funded for everyone, and school would not go without. The money saved would go in your pocket to spend locally and that would boost local and state coffers. If this was your household budget, you would cut out luxury spending, and start paying for things that are needed. You wouldn't be throwing money out the window. That is what the government is doing. Who opposes this? Insurance companies, large companies who can't balance their own books. Worthless projects that can't get approved on their own merits. When wealthy politicians and big business point fingers at the people on welfare and social security, and bellow about where this money is being spent, take a look at the income of big business and their pork. Washington needs to wake up. Do you want to save Social Security. You can but you won't. Money got you elected, money keeps you in power, and lack of money will be you demise. You need pork. You are addicted to pork. You give millions to companies that in turn ship their jobs to China or India. Your addiction to pork is worse then a drug habit. The only way to feed your habit, is more pork. We can continue to feed your habit, or give you the cure. The cure is a line item veto, or a process that does not allow add-ons. Why hasn't this happened? You are asking the addict to make the decision.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to
hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the
neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could
use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you
charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything
she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the
house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to
believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail
lately."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the
door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband
asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it
two coats - no extra charge!."

Impressed, the man reached into h is pocket for the $50
and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."

OJ

No, not orange juice. I awoke this morning to OJ. OJ Simpson, Homers brother. The former football player, actor, accused murderer, author, father, and now accused thief. We have a war going on in Iraq, homes being foreclosed, lack of jobs, debates over who is a christian and who is not, and we headline the news with OJ. OJ had his five minutes of fame, as a matter of fact he has had more then his five minutes. If he stole something, and is convicted, he is nothing but a petty thief. We don't need to re-do his biography, psycology, or what other ology that makes him tick. Just send him to a Hollywood rehab and everything will be better.

How about Britney Spears? Who cares.
How about Lindsey Lohan? Who cares.
How about Hollywood? Who cares.
How about the Saprano's? Who cares.

We are stuck in another Vietnam and no one cares. People are losing jobs and homes and no one cares. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer and no one cares. The constitution of the United States has been twisted out of shape and no one cares.

What do I care about?

Sports. The tigers and lions are winning. Michigan football teams stinks, and MSU is undefeated.

Family. As long as they let me watch sports.

Music. Theme to Monday Night Football

God. There must be a God. The Lions, Tigers, and MSU are winning.

Lets get serious folk, sports or Hollywood slime. Flip a coin. You lose.

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

Cows
*Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to
their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
*
The Constitution
*They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked
for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
**
*The Ten Commandments
*The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.*

A woman sent this to me:




When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait
has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern
"seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
empty. You
would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't -
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants,
and
assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear
your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat,
you
would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that
now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious,
tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would
be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom
never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't
KNOW
what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers
your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow
sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet
paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and
the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found
in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very
end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe,
plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might
need
this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used,
and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
why
is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what
really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal
can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the
door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!



A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Subject: Texas Air Traffic Control>>>>>>>> Texas Air Traffic Control>> Gotta love how they do it in TEXAS!>>>> You gotta love this one!>>>> TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL>>>> Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to>> land eastbound on runway 9R.">>>> Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to>> land on infidel's runway 9R -- Allah be Praised!">>>> Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to>> land westbound on runway 9R.">>>> Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC.>> We are cleared to land> on infidel's runway 9R. -- Allah is Great!">> Pause: Static ... ..>>>> Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!">>>> Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?">>>> Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT>> FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE>> DIRECTIONS ! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !>> INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!>>>> Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now.>> And tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?"

Why men are never depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a
water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, Maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

The following recently took place at an international medical conference: A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks." The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work."

Gay Christianity

The Muskegon Chronicle has been printing letters to the editor revealing both sides of a contraversy. The question has come down to," Are gays and those who condone homosexuality, going to heaven?" Some Christians, and pastors have used the Bible to condemn Homosexuality. The gay community has labled everyone who doesn't follow their ideas as "homophobes". I say, " shame on both of you."

When Jesus was asked by lawyers, "What is the greatest law?", his reponded
"Love the Lord your God and your neihbor as yourself. On these two comandment hang the whole law and the prophets." I believe he also said something about,"Judge not least ye be judged." Fellow Christians, lets practice christian love and leave the judging to God.

To the gay comunity and those who condone homosexuality. If you don't like that churches views, go to a different church.

To both sides, don't tear someone down just to build yourself up. God will judge you individually, and not by anything else, or different interpretation of the Bible. It is that simple.

another day
Liz had her hearing for unemployment. Wesco filibustered for the full hour with a lot of I don't knows, and unsubstantiated gossip. When the hour was up, they had to continue the hearing next month before Liz, her advocate, or anyone else could say anything. By the time the hearing is reconvened it will have been over 3 months since she was fired. I was probably more angry then Liz was and had to take two xanax to calm down.

Liz had her surgery yesterday. They were going in to possibly drain a golf ball size cyst from her ovary. When they got in, they found out it was two golf ball size polyps in her uterus and some scare tissue. They removed the polyps and we will find out next week if they were cancerous or not. Liz is at home and resting.

Looking back on yesterday some people might be still angry, and yes, I am one of those people. I am also thankful that Liz is ok, and that we are still winning her unemployment battle even though it is being dragged out. I am thankful for my friends and family and for all the great things the Lord has given me.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well Liz had her hour long hearing for unemployment. Her former employee filibustered for the full hour. Their witnesses had no knowledge of anything and no paperwork to support their allegations. They spent the whole hour saying "I don't remember". Once the hour was up, the judge postponed the rest of the hearing to next month. Once again the big companies get their way, and the small person has to wait. The judge should have seen what this was and stopped it.

Well here is praying that today goes well. Liz has her unemployment hearing before a judge. This will be done by phone. Her past employer has done everything to avoid having to pay unemployment. Now we will see if they will lie under oath.

Later this afternoon Liz will have surgery. She had a cyst on her ovary and we hope that is all it is. They will try to drain it, and if that is not possible they will remove her ovary.

Louie was here yesterday tuning the piano he put in. It is wonderful having a grand piano in my living room.

Young Don has moved into his apartment in Holland and seems to love it. His girlfriend lives a few houses away and is going to the seminary.

The summer is almost over and the kids are going back to school. Lindsey is going to Muskegon HIgh School and Liz is back at Baker College.

A Child's Guide To United States Foreign Policy...Awesome!
For laughs only...is a fwd i received...have not can not, or do not
wish to check the authenticity of these statements...

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass
destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to
use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we
went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend
themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they
had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those
weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade
another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in
sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate
gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba
are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business
with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being
capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become
capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a
legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a
country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the
United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan
is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an
illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into
buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off
for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off
people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were
in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for
her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis
are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We
call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support
our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the
French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what
we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked
the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war
is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we
attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells
him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
__._,_._

Michael Vick, star football player, role model, and millionaire has admitted to dogfighting and gambling on dogfighting. He will serve his time, he has apologized, and also has been suspended by the NFL. He will likely serve a year in prison.
Through all this, Jessie Jackson, NAACP, and other black organization have failed to apologize to the nation for this black mans racial actions. This action was the same as two black men fighting to their death for the white mans pleasure and gambling. Instead of two Mandingo's fighting it out, he had two dogs. I thought this sport, no matter how it is camouflaged, was banned with slavery. If Jessie and his warriors truly care about the minorities, now is the right time to stand up. This was a racially insensitive act by a black man. In some people's minds, it was just two dogs. Years ago it was just two "niggers". We still haven't learned.

ON THIS DAY...

...IN 1977, Dr. George Nichopoulos begged, "Breathe, Elvis, come on, breathe for me," as he tried to revive Elvis Presley in the ambulance en route to Baptist Memorial Hospital in Memphis. Presley, 42 years old, was pronounced dead on arrival. Elvis's obesity and enlarged colon, combined with a congenitally weak heart-not a drug overdose-were likely the cause of his death.

It has long been rumored that he died on the toilet, straining at a stool. But we won't know for sure until 2027, when Elvis's autopsy records will be in the public domain.

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish-all within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.< BR>
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

T hanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $500 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM tomorrow afternoon (your time), and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back side, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....Oh, and one last tid-bit...

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!

America is over 200 years old. We claim to be the smartest country in the world. In fact, we are the youngest and the one of the least educated. We try to tell the world how to live, we try to feed the world, we try to adopt the children of other countries, complain when people cross our borders,and call any country that does not agree with us "evil". We criticize other countries for human rights violations,while we pamper the rich and famous and give bread crumbs to our poor. Isn't it about time we look at ourselves. The things that this country was founded on, and made it a good country are gone. In God we trust is gone, our open arms to the poor and needy are gone. Equality is a thing of the past. Rich and famous rule. Never again will you see an Abraham Linclon become president. Coruption in the Government is rampant, hiding behind plitical correctness and the fact that the media is owned by rich people who use their money to tell us what we need to believe in. We are being like lambs to the slaughter. Just remember, "It is easier for a camel to fit through an eye of a needle then it is for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven".

This past Sunday, My wife and I went to a Japanese worship service. This service was held on the Hope College campus in the seminary chapel. The service was 95 percent spoken in Japanese and no one was translating. They made the song easier with the japanese words broken down so that us ignorant people could sing the song in the Japanese language.Although we could not understand most of what was said, I got more out of the service then many english spoken services. I am still trying to figure out what that means about some of our worship services.

Unity Fest in Muskegon Michigan. A chance for Christians to join together and enjoy christian music. The local newspaper ran a front page article on how it is a great time for the youth to share their faith through music. Through a gift from a local pastor, my daughter and her boyfriend were able to attend this night of spiritual bliss. They were excited, and felt that this would be a night they would remember. They came home an hour later and were spiritually crushed. My daughters boyfriend wore a Tye dye shirt, and according to many youths, this is a sign of being gay. They were called faggots,had trash thrown at them and told that God hate faggots. This was continually done during the concert until they left, to the applause of many. Not only were they verbally harassed, but non of the other "Christians" came to their defense. I guess they were to busy being adorned by theHoly Spirit, or they believe that God hates "Fags"

I believe that this is not a belief of all Christians youths, but I believe that this is Christianity gone amuck. We have bent over so far backwards to attract the youth, we are ignoring the basic of Christianity. The christian youth have taken the opposite side of political correctness. Christian enthusiasm replaces christian maturity. According to some christian youths, if you don't like modern christian music, you are not a christian.

The problem is simple. The christian rock groups that are being our children's teachers, are in it for the money. An old rock song has the words, "teach your children well". We need to teach our children, not money hungry, attention seeking rock groups. We need to teach our children, not Hillary's village. We need to teach our children, not our liberal educators. The lines have been drawn in the sand and it is not pretty. Each christian faith have drawn their own lines which makes nondenominational churches very appealing.

A Blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at t he mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ........

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..

Subject: Mother



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going shopping with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11 My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. But if you eat all your carrots you'll have curly hair."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me about WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Subject: Fw: So You Think You Know Everything?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.A snail can sleep for three years.Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.Almonds are a member of the peach family.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feet.Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10."Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamiteRubber bands last longer when refrigerated."Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' 'radar' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.There are more chickens than people in the world.There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself...............There , now you know everything!

Subject: deputy vs lawyer
Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!Deputy says," License and registration, please."Lawyer says, "What for?"Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and r egistration, please."Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever cancelled Jerry Springer.I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, and neither have you! So, shut up already.I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA .I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them..I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.And what is going on with gas prices... again?I believe "illegal" is illegal no matter what the lawyers think. I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.We want our country back!We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!I would rather live my life as if there is aGod, and die to find out there isn't, thanlive my life as if there isn't, and die tofind out there is.?????????????????????????????????????????????? AMEN

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America 's Cup , France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon .

9 WORDS WOMEN USE------------------------------------- These are good!1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they areright and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing hereand arguing with you about nothing (refer back to #3 for the meaningof nothing).
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hardbefore deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying "F" YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement!meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a manasking "what's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone.It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift